Written by R. Gibson

Sunday, 5 April 2009

On entering the concert hall, I was enveloped in a screaming mass of hormonal teenagers and middle aged mid-life crisis suffering adults. The dreadful wannabe screaming of the so called band could be heard, I was sure, from China.

Bracing a look at the anatomies clashing in a throb of a so called 'mosh-pit', and trying hard not to stare at the sheep of familiar dressed emos, I hurried through to the back stage area. I had to show my pass to about five security men before they believed that I was the girl in the photo.

Scuttling through the back hallways being led by one of the security men, the sounds from the stage are quieter and I can just about begin to hear myself think. The decoration around me was quite putrid - peeling wallpaper, and torn carpets (of which I almost tripped over by the way.) Before the security man could even alert me that I was at my desired destination, I already knew I was by the rank stench of male testosterone in the air. I was told to enter the room, and did so, silently laughing at the similarities between the band members, with their messily cut fringes that all covered their right eye.

I then began this interview with one of the strangest 'diverse' bands ever. Apparently.

So Tom Jibb, MJ Beech, Si li, and Kritch Toon, can you tell me a little about yourself?

TJ: Well, we're a four piece hardcore band, yeah, and we like to impress those little babes out there by taking our tops off half way through playing and throwing it into the audience.

MJB: Well, I figure I'm the most mature one out of us all, so I write the lyrics, inspired by SlipKnot obviously.

SL: Yeah, completely by... inspiration only, we had enough of that minor court case last year, where we were accused of plagiarism.

KT: Completely, like, it's as though no one appreciates the effort we put into things nowadays.

What about the news of your break up? Are you still going ahead?

TJ: Well we wanted to, but we decided to stick together, our fans love us too much for us to desert them!

SL: Yeah man, we kinda owe it to them to stay strong, the argument was only over Kritch screwing Tom's bird, it's nothing really. It's not like she was pregnant or anything. Besides, all these chicks look the same to us.

TJ: What happened to keeping that quiet?

MJB: Guys, Guys, shut the F*** up, right?! Let this nice little lady continue with her interview.

KT: Agreed, I'm sure when she said 'break up' she didn't mean the break up between you and Selena Gomez.

Indeed. Hang on, isn't she a minor?

KT: That depends on how you look at it, she's 16 right? So over here, in England, completely legal.

TJ: Shut up Kritch, the least we need right now is more bad publicity, I don't think I'd handle getting shut off either.

Anyway, moving on, how long have you guys been together now?

TJ: well, a fair few, five years. Although I am only 18. But I was 13 when we met.

MJB: Yeah, and we've managed to keep it kicking for this long. I mean I'm like 20 years old right now, but like at fifteen, when we began this was like a big deal for me.

KT: For us too, I was only 16 when we first met and began.

SL: I was 16 too.

So five years, that's all I needed to know. So yeah, how do you split your chores at home?

MJB: I don't do anything to be honest; I don't really see the point.

TJ: He's a right slacker to be quite frank; he rings his mummy in all the time to do his washing and everything all the time.

KT: It's quite irritating to be honest, he claims he's the most mature, but he hardly does anything and when he does, he acts like it's the most strenuous thing in the world.

SL: Incredibly immature, not only that but he not long ago split from his girlfriend -the sweet girl that she was- and with no decent reason at all. It's as though the minute he has to work for something, he stops having feelings for it.

MJB: I'm still here!

SL: It's surprising he's still in the band at all, but he must have a natural knack for the guitar or something.

Well, that's about time for now, I must leave.

Having not been able to ever stand the band, I walked out and left them. But the genuine image I got from them was a group of people who can't act well on stage, can't sing, not even their demos are good, nor do they treat their girlfriends with any respect. And so, that concludes the interview with Apparently, the incredibly niche band.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: bands, Music

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