Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
Once upon a time there was a pretty girl named Jackie, and she was liked and admired by all the other girls at her school. So there was much sadness and tears when she left to go and become a secretary in someone's home, but she knew she was a grown-up now, and wanted to work.
And every day she worked hard, boys and girls, and smiled and talked a lot, and answered phones and took messages, and she was the best secretary a home could have.
But then one day something went wrong. A boy she knew very well used her money to rent two naughty comic books from a shop, and she got the blame for it, for it had been her money that had paid for the naughty comics. And Jackie was very, very angry with the boy, and vowed never to speak to him again.
And all across the town she lived in people were laughing at her, and wondering why she had such a friend as the bad boy, and wondered if naughty comic books really mattered at all. And some even wrote funny letters to newspapers about the books, poking fun at Jackie and the books and the boy.
But the newspapers were run by scaredy-cats, who were scared to print the most trivial bits of satire about Jackie, despite printing endless abuse and garbage about other people, so they started crying and sent the letters back, marked 'We're 10 year-olds here, please don't make us cry.'
And so the letters were never published, and Jackie carried on being a home secretary, and the scaredy-cats of the press heaved a sigh of relief, and carried on printing articles about each other and Madonna. And they all lived happily ever after.
P.S. Did you know, boys and girls, that in the former Soviet Union the satirical magazine Krokodil always printed anything and everything to satirise their Soviet masters? Just shows you the Russians are tough people, not feeble spineless saps. If satire is censored it isn't satire. Oh well, back to writing about Madonna and Jade Goody ...