I have obtained a secret memorandum outlining the details of Jade Goody's planned State Funeral, which is reproduced below:
The Office of Max Cash, PR to the Chavs
The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP, Prime Minister
Sir Paul Stephenson, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
The Most Reverend Father in God, Rowan Williams, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan
Arrangements for the State Funeral of St Jade of Goody
Further to our conference call and the subsequent discussions in Cabinet and at Lambeth Palace and Scotland Yard, below is the agreed itinerary for Jade's State Funeral. Please contact me if you have any final amendments.
Final photographs of the Blessed Corpse by 'OK' Magazine and The Sun.
Coffin is loaded into a pink stretch Humvee and proceeds from the funeral home, via Constitution Hill, The Mall and Trafalgar Square to Westminster Abbey. Mourners will follow in souped-up, bodykitted Corsas with dustbin exhausts.
Cortege arrives at Westminster Abbey, and is carried down the red carpet preceded by Davina McCall giving live coverage.
Service begins. Liturgy to be given by Dr Williams. Events inside the Abbey are to be broadcast live with a voiceover by an annoying, dull-voiced Geordie (to be provided by Endemol Productions).
Fight to break out between the families of Jade and Jack over seating arrangements. Jack to offer the Prime Minister 'outside'. (This will have the added benefit of making the PM seem 'hard' and 'one of the boys'.
Fight to be broken up following pleas from Davina McCall, reminding attendees that they 'are live on Channel 4, please do not swear'.
Prime Minister the Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown to deliver the Eurghlogy.
Those present to be administered smelling salts following the PM's speech.
Elton John takes the stage to sing (yet another) rewritten version of 'Candle in the Wind'.
Ceremony ends. Coffin to be loaded back into pink Humvee and will proceed eastward. Expect traffic delays while mourners lining the streets throw benefit cheques and bottles of White Lightning in the path of the cortege.
On Arrival at Epping Burial Ground (Time: Dependent upon public grief):
OK Magazine to take their exclusive photographs in preparation for their 'Jade: Before & After, 1 Year On' special.
Body to be interred in a private ceremony, streamed live on Channel 4 and with interviews of the mourners by Davina. Photographers will be limited to 'OK', 'Hello', 'Heat', 'Celeb', The Sun, The Mirror, The Star, The Daily Express, The Daily Mail, Pig Farmers Gazette, The Sport, The Essex Punch, the Fortean Times, 'Take A Break', 'Real Life' and 'Tatler'.
NOTE: Gravesite is to be clearly marked for the exhumation in 12 months' time (see 'OK' Magazine above).
Mourners to repair to the Chav & Headbutt, Epping, for the Wake.
Family of Jade to give a Press Conference.
Live streaming on E4 of the Wake, with commentary by annoying Geordie. Davina on standby to interview anyone punched, puking, ejected or fucked by the bins round the back.
Jack Tweed to assault two photographers outside the Chav & Headbutt, Epping. Voiceover to the assault to be provided by the same annoying Geordie.
Further arrests made, following another fight between families. Transport provided home, with final interviews conducted by Davina.
Hoping this meets with your final approval, and look forward to seeing you at the (sending) off.