Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

image for The "Bachelor" Proves He's One Messed Up Dude! St. Sally Church where Molly will marry the "Crybaby Kid"

THE LAND OF OZ, California - The "Bachelor," Jason Mesnick had to choose between Melissa Rycroft and Molly Malaney.

But before that the "Bachelorette's" DeAnna Pappas who had rejected Mesnick on the "Bachelorette" show last year appears at his door.

He answers the door and asks her what the hell she is doing at his house. She tells him that the show's producers paid her a lot of money to basically stalk him.

She tells him that she still has feelings for him and he's not engaged yet and he can still choose her instead of choosing one of the M & M girls.

He tells her thanks but no thanks. She asks him if he rejected her because she has let herself go and now weighs about as much as a Pittsburgh Steeler defensive tackle.

Mesnick answers yes and DeAnna leaves angry as hell, but not before spitting a gob of chewing tobacco in Mesnick's bowl of Cocoa Pebbles while he wasn't looking.

The Bachelor watches as DeAnna's wideload ass walks out the door and he starts crying because even though she rejected him deep down inside he still feels a little bit of love for her.

But then he realizes that she has now ballooned up into a full-figured size XXXXXL and his love for her quickly goes out the window.

So now the "Bachelor" starts to cry because he has to choose either Molly or Melissa. He cannot decide because they both have exquisite-looking legs.

And so he decides to cry a little bit more. His little three-year-old boy Ty sees him and asks him what the hell he's crying about.

Mesnick cannot answer because he is too busy crying. The little boy shakes his head, calls him a big sissy, and he runs outside to ride his ATV.

In the meantime, "Crybaby Boy" has managed to compose himself over the commericial. We see a limo drive up and Molly gets out showing a glimpse of her gorgeous-looking legs. Mesnick starts crying when he sees how sexy she looks.

He takes her hand and feeds her about a dozen bullshit lines about how much he cares about her, and how much he loves her, and especially about the fantastically amazing massage she gave him while she was wearing a bikini swimsuit that looked like it came out of a postage stamp machine.

"Aunty Tear-Tears" Mesnick starts crying again and he rejects Molly, who starts crying. Mesnick then starts crying because Molly is crying.

It's quite apparent that this Mesnick dude must be on Estrogen or Progesterone or some kind of female hormone because he has cried more in just two hours than all of the New York City Rockettes combined have cried over the last five years.

And then Melissa arrives and she goes up to Mesnick who is wiping the tears from his eyes. She is smiling and it seems like she may have read the script or something because she does not appear the least bit sad.

Mesnick tells her that he loves her and that she has some really pretty looking puppies not to mention a pair of fine-looking legs.

He says that he wants to ask her to be his wife. She yells out and then she asks for a timeout. She turns around and hollers something at the ocean and then she turns back around and tells "BooHoo Boy" that she will marry him.

He picks her up and the camera zooms in for a closeup of her tears and his tears intermeshing into a liquid showcase display of wet wetness.

The show finally ends. And Part 2 (aka "After The Rose") follows immediately.

"Teardrops" Mesnick reveals to host Chris Harrison that he has realized that he really and truly does not have the strong feelings for Melissa that he feels he should have.

This is somewhat interesting since after all the shithead did ask her to marry him.

Melissa sits there looking surprised, confused, and quite upset. She sits there with her legs crossed and showing a vast expanse of her magnificent-looking legs.

She gets teary-eyed and she calls him a no good, spineless, lowlife, bastard. Mesnick pouts, whimpers that he agrees, and then he starts crying again.

Then the host starts crying but that's because he wants to renegotiate his contract with ABC but they have said no and that they plan on firing him and hiring Tom Bergeron away from "Dancing With The Stars."

After the next commerical, Melissa gives her engagement ring back to "BooHoo Boy" who starts crying and this time he does have a damn good reason and that reason being that Melissa shoved the engagement ring up his left nostril.

After a lighting assistant gives the "Weeping Weeny" CPR he snorts it out and now starts crying even more. Harrison asks him why he's crying and Mesnick replies because he lost the friggin' receipt.

Melissa gets up, and tells the "Sultan of Sobbing" that he is really and truly one mixed up son-of-a-bitch. Mesnick agrees and he starts sobbing uncontrolably.

Then after the next commercial Molly is sitting next to the "Weeping Wonder" and she is also showcasing her pretty legs along with a touch of succulent cleavage.

Mesnick is sitting on his hands, salavating, grinning, and working up some more mofoing tears. He tells Molly that he has just broken up with Melissa because he did not love her as much as he loves her.

He tells her that he did not care for Melissa as much as he does for her and that Mel's moustache really had nothing to do with his decision.

He then shyly admits that Melissa was not as good a piece of you-know-what in bed as she was.

Molly sits there in disbelief and confused as shit. She keeps looking over at the host and then towards the cue card holder, for her next line.

She has a shit-eating grin on her face and everyone is really expecting her to tear into the "Queen of Tears" as soon as she gets over her confused confusion.

She trys to talk to the host, but he cannot hear her over the whimpering coming from "Mr. Crocodile Tears."

Molly still in a state of confusion is smiling and rolling her eyes and does not realize that her luscious legs have spread open revealing a glimpse of her pink size 5 string bikini thong panties.

Finally after Mesnick manages to somehow find the teardrops faucet he and Molly agree to meet for coffee and talk about their future together.

After Mesnick leaves, Molly turns to the host and says that after he dumped her, she was so upset and devastated that she went and had in vitro fertilization done and she is now pregnant and her and Beaker #298-B are expecting octuplets in September.

Molly smiles and says that she plans to marry Mesnick, but that she will not tell him until after the wedding about the octuplets.

She says if everyone thinks that the little unstable son-of-a-bitch bastard is crying up a storm now, just wait until he finds out that he will soon be the proud papa of 8 little crybaby Mesnicks.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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