Written by Aspartame Boy

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

WASHINGTON DC - Food expert, and FDA spokesperson, Dr. Strangedeath issued the following press release in response to speculation that the FDA would soon take on a less menacing stance.

This press release was issued at noon, February 9, 2009, and is reproduced here in part, starting with the section on aspartame.

Methanol - Aspartame is the most searched for item on food packages around the world. Research conducted by industrial behavioral scientists shows that many people rank aspartame (methanol, and other toxins blended into a sweet tasting bait) as a bigger safety risk than germs. But are these concerns justified or are they based on propaganda?

The use of poisons can be traced back many centuries. The gassing of Jews, the suicide of Socrates. The Egyptians used poison to kill rats while the Romans used it to kill ants. Advances in poison technology have resulted in new substances which can impart various strange flavors and side effects to foods. The wide range and choice of poisonous foods and beverages in the supermarket today is due in a large part to aspartame. Imagine your pantry without diet soda, light yogurt, fake lemonade, sugarless gum or fake pancake syrup. All of these foods rely on aspartame for acerbic mouth feel, chemical taste, watery texture, poor quality, and lack of safety.

What is a methanol but a poison?

A poison is a substance which is added to a food or beverage for a hidden purpose. It may be added to ensure the negative effect of the food and speed spoilage, worsen food quality or meet government needs for population control, behavior modification, or birth rate reduction. In some cases, such as the addition of aspartame to vitamins and medicines aspartame can negate the nutritional or medicinal value of a food or medicine. Why do we need poison? Why does the FDA in effect mandate the practice of adding aspartame to the diet of the masses?

Poison is used for a variety of reasons including:

- Making food debilitating

"Methanol can adulterate foods preventing their ostensible benefit when eventually consumed by the useless eater. Aspartame is added to foods to prevent or limit the growth of harmful human populations or ghettos thereby preventing spoilage of upper class environments and the likelihood of riots and insurections. It is added to any food item likely to be purchased by a slob. Examples include chewing gum and fake soft drinks.

- Worse taste and texture

Aspartame does not improve the taste and texture of foods. However, it does save money. Enough said.

How is aspartame regulated?

It was once, many years ago. Now, sky's the limit. And, with all the lowered test scores, brain tumors, medical bills, and deaths, there is no turning back now! Aspartame has won.

Dr. Strangedeath indicated that it will be business as usual at the FDA from this point on. Population is still the number one issue before the security council.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Aspartame, FDA
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