Written by The Miami Herald

Thursday, 1 July 2004

Ellendale, ND- Trinity Bible College Head Football Coach Rusty Bentley started his day like any other, however this is a day that he will remember for the rest of his life. Today he landed three players that will most definitely change the gridiron fortunes for this small North Dakota school. We will give you Rusty's day minute by minute.

6:25 AM - Alarm goes off. Rusty hits snooze.
6:30 AM - Rusty wakes up, fires the Mayor of Hornytown and gets out of bed.
6:35 AM - Rusty gets in the shower.
6:45 AM - Rusty again fires the Mayor of Hornytown.
6:50 AM - Rusty mistakenly puts on wife's underwear, does not take it off.
7:00 AM - Rusty eats breakfast.
7:30 AM - Rusty leaves for work.
7:45 AM - Rusty arrives to an elated office, his secretary tells him they have a major surprise for him.
8:02 AM - The phone rings, Rusty answers.

"Coach Bentley, my name is Mike Williams, you know, the kid that played at Southern Cal. Well, I lost my NCAA appeal, however the NCCAA has cleared me and after a long talk with my homeboy Jesus C, I have decided to enroll at Trinity."

"Johnson, this ain't funny ya knucklehead!" Rusty says.

"No, Coach Bentley, it is really Mike. I realized that Satan has lead me astray in my pursuit for money, bitches, and pussy, so I have decided to enroll and find salvation. I hope I can walkon and make your squad!"

Rusty faints. But quickly awakens and sends Mike the playbook.

8:47 AM - Rusty yet again fires the Mayor of Hornytown.

9:33 AM - The phone again rings.
"Coach Bentley, how can I help you?" says Rusty.

"Coach Bentley? This is Maurice Clarett. I have been doing some soul searching with Jimbo (Jim Brown) and we have decided to offer my services to you. Now I know your team had its shair of struggles, but Jimbo believes Jesus wants me to join your team. I can play both running back and linebacker if you'll have me."

"Hell yeah we can take you Maurice. I am glad that Jesus has lead you back from Satan's doorstep. Now, you will need to beat our current back in fall practice. Hell, who am I kidding, he sucks! See you in August Number 13!" says an elated Rusty.

"Thank you coach, I will not let you down nor leave for the NFL!" says Clarett.

10:45 AM - Rusty again fires the Mayor of Hornytown, this time onto his Defensive Coordinator's Roast Beef hoagie.

11:53 AM - The phone again rings.

"Hello, Coach Rusty!, how can I help you?"

"Coach Bentley?"


"Coach, my name is Willie Williams. Willie is a linebacker from Carol City High School in Miami, FL. Willie recently was denied admission to Willie's first choice, and Willie knows it is late, but after barking at Willie's big dawg Jebus, Willie has decided to come to T.B.C. Willie has been on the phone with Mikey and Mo, and they convinced Willie that this is the place for Willie, that is if you'll take Willie."

"Well Willie, I am concerned about your past. Plus I heard you had some rather lofty demands at FSU and Miami. How do I know that Satan will not lead you astray in Ellendale?"

"Well Coach, Willie can admit Willie has not always followed Jebus' path, but Willie has (bleep)ed enough bitches and eaten enough lobster tails to last two lifetimes, and Willie realizes that the Salvation of the Lord and Jebus is more important than the bitches and lobsters Willie can find in the NFL."

"Well Willie, lets hope Jebus, I mean Jesus has lead you correctly this time, and that you can avoid Satan's temptation here in Ellendale. I am sure we can find you a home in the flock of lost souls.

12:39 PM - The phone rings, again.

"Coach Bentley here, how can I help you?"

"Coach, this is Tim (Grant, AD at TBC), I need to see you pronto!"

"Sure thing!"

Elated, Coach Bentley goes to Grant's office, presuming he is to be congratulated on the day's haul.

12:41 PM - "Tim, you wanted to see me?"

"Yes Rusty. We need to talk."

"I know, I am excited. Now I don't know if we can Willie number seventeen....

"Shut up Rusty, you're fired!"


"Rusty, we have decided to go another direction. We have hired Kellen Winslow Sr. as our new head coach. We feel that you lack the capacity to handle Mike, Maurice, and especially Willie. Well, to be honest Willie said Willie would only come if Willie could have Kellen has Willie's coach, and well, we obliged."


"Sorry Rusty, you have caused this school enough embarassment, we need to win now, so get the (bleep) out of here asshole."

This is the life of Rusty Bentley, the now former Head Football Coach at Trinity Bible College.

It is believed that this trio will have an immediate impact on the field, and will lead Trinity Bible College to the NCCAA National Championship. Season tickets have already sold out and the town is a buzz with delight over these three joining the school.

Trinity will open their schedule September 4th with Haskell Indians College. It is expected that all three will start this game. The Las Vegas odds have made Trinity 34 point favorites, which is especially shocking considering they only scored a total of 12 points in 2003. Times are looking up for this small NCCAA school in 2004!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Bible, college, School
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