Today, my disciples, I will inform you about that guy we all want to meet, Derek. Why, you may ask, and that is a very pleasant question; you must be somewhat intellectual. I will tell you because I think it may do you good to hear a success story or two, about a life which could only have been lived by a creationist like me. I have a fantastic life.
I was born in Texas, in America, in The New World. From my very first moment on this Earth I was surrounded by beauty. Trees, fields, fields, trees - it was all there in Texas. And I grew to love its designer. Until today, I thought he loved me.
My parents told me about Jesus, and they also beat me a lot, with sticks and suchlike. My parents were good, honest, conservative citizens, and they brought me up in a way which the Virgin Mary herself would envy. My father and mother have long since died, and I like to think that they have been rewarded in heaven for producing someone like me: a nice guy.
When I went to school, teachers were real teachers, none of those infidel evolution-bashing types; they taught us that the sky was blue, the sea was blue, and the sky was blue, because God made them blue; no "refraction," or "reflection," or "atmosphere," devilry. So I learned as much as a boy can learn. I graduated a while ago, and have since been awarded a degree by some extraordinary people on the Internet - a degree in Biblical Science.
What do I do now? What don't I do now?
"Mr Atheist, that's enough already. You found my Facebook profile did you? Let's all have a big laugh. I'll express my hilarity through tears, you heartless, God-hating adulterer. We can all make jokes. How about this one: Why do atheists float? Because they're hollow vessels for Satan. Ha ha!"
This afternoon's question is from Derek, in Texas. Hello, Derek. Hello.
"Derek, why does nobody want to be with you since you found God again last year?"
Why, Derek, that's a good question. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Readers, why don't you send me an answer? I'd appreciate that.
Thank you all so much,