Dearest Madame Bitters,
My wife and I are at our wit's end. The IRS has accused us of tax evasion. According to them we owe 2.1 million dollars in back taxes. We don't have the money and there's a possibility we'll be sent to federal prison. What can we do to beat this?
Terrified Couple- in Olympia, WA
"Since I'm not a tax attorney, or any other kind of attorney I'm unqulified counsel you, and I refuse to give advice on this topic."
That's what my lawyer told me to tell you. However, nobody, especially a clown that charges $500 an hour and wears $2,000 Armani suits everyday orders me around. So I've chosen to ignore his advice.
Since the scariest government agency in America has set it's sights on you and your wife, all rational and sane courses of actions are out. I'm convinced the best way to solve your tax issues is for you and your wife to fake your own deaths. I'm sorry, but there's no other solution.
The main obstacle you and your wife will have to overcome is finding two people to act as your corpses. Since no one will likely agree to this proposition, and since my attorney would keel over if I suggested you two commit a double homicide, you'll need to go out and rob a couple of graves.
The best way to go about this grisly task is to browse the obituary section of your local newspaper. All the obits listed will be recent, which is a good thing.
You may be wondering why taking a freshly dead body is preferable. Ask yourself this question: Do you and your wife really want to dig up old graves and haul around rotting corpses in the middle of the night? I didn't think so.
Another route you may want to go is to find your bodies in a potter's field. While there are rarely if ever any obituaries written about the people buried there, I think they'd serve you purpose just fine. The security is much more lax than a regular cememtary.
Allow me to explain. The majority of those buried in potter's field are broke and have no friends or family to give them a nice funeral in a decent cemetary. No one will notice or even care if a couple of corpses have been stolen. Besides, I think we can all agree that poor people don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
Once you've got your bodies, it's time to plan your "deaths."
I recomend setting a fire to either your home or car- whichever you think will burn the best. A fire, if set correctly, can burn a body beyond recognition which is exactly what you want. Just place the two corpses in they're proper places, douse them with accelerant, light the match and run for your lives.
Now that you and your wife are free from your tax debts and the possibility of prison, feel free to kick up your heels. Now that you've "died," it's time to live a little. You and your wife could even attend your own funerals to see who shows up. Wouldn't that be a hoot and a half?
You'll both need to find new identites, but that shouldn't be too hard. If a pimply 16 year old can steal someone's identity, it should be a cake walk for two wily people who outwitted the IRS.