Written by Captain Ropeburn

Saturday, 1 November 2008

image for Twenty Little-Known Uses for Leftover Thanksgiving Food

20. A roll: Feed all the contestants on "Americas Next Top Model."

19. Green bean casserole: Add another layer of hilarity to the whoopee cushion planted for Monday's staff meeting!

18. Gravy: Surprise snowball centers!

17. Drumstick: Great for beating your timid Democratic congressman over the head with.

16. Turkey carcass: Just a coat of Krylon away from being a sturdy battle helmet.

15. Gravy: Keep the turkey baster handy too. Together they might come in handy in case water boarding is ever ruled to be illegal.

14. Turkey: A few days after Thanksgiving, it becomes an amazingly effective appetite suppressant.

13. Mashed potatoes: Spackle substitute.

12. Raw turkey neck: The grand kids never tire of the old "detachable penis" bit.

11. Jell-O salad: Before indulging her Christmas wish, let your insecure 16-year-old test-drive a couple of DD implants at school for a week.

10. Green bean casserole: Use to lubricate the garbage disposal.

9. Drumstick: Marital aid for her. Pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, etc.: Marital aids for him.

8. Turkey: Perfect for invading Iraq!

7. Giblet gravy: The world's best fake vomit, plus it can be used to induce *actual* vomiting!

6. Yams: Comedy prop to be used during your Popeye impression.
(Carrot Top only)

5. Turkey: Send to lab. Extract steroids and growth hormones.
Feed Barry Bonds.

4. Cranberry sauce: Spread gently on head of baby; have toddler pose nearby with brick; wait for the hilarity of Mom's scream.

3. What could possibly be better than a bean-bag chair?
A *gravy*-bag chair.

2. Dark meat: Add a little bleach and you've got white meat, Jacko-style!

and the Number 1 Little-Known Use for Leftover Thanksgiving Food...

1. What's a 'leftover'?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Thanksgiving
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