Written by witness2history

Monday, 27 October 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

Garth Crooks : Hello Is that Johnny?, It's Garth here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have been sacked as a Pundit by the BBC, let's face it the Match of the Day Boys all hate me, I think I have a good case for Wrongful Dismissal it could be racially motivated, but we don't have any "Showbiz" Black Lawyers in England, are you interested?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Let me get this straight!", "You want me to put my impeccable reputation on on the line, and argue in a Court of Law, that you aren't the worst fucking pundit in the history of punditry? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Garth Crooks : "The money's good?"

Johnny Cochrane : How much?"

Garth Crooks : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can you please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Garth, I'm really busy right now sorting out a deal fo OJ Simpsons' Autobiography, Thank God those accusations keep on coming, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Garth Crooks : "Who is that in the background?"

Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Garth Crooks : "Will he do it?"

Johnny Cocherane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".


Gary Lineker: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy choosing Shirts to wear for Saturday's show…".

Alan Shearer : "Haddaway Mon!"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Yammajordi? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Yammajordi? "

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Yammajordi? " again! C'mon, say "¿Yammajordi? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Yammajordi? " one more goddamn time!"

Mark Lawrenson : "I am the real Star, allow me! How can I help you"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Garth Crooks looks like!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Mark Lawrenson : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Garth Crooks doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Garth Crooks!, or possibly Mr., anyway".

Mark Lawrenson : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you send him to report on Stoke thinking there won't be anything to talk about, then they beat Everton and it's a big story, lot's of air time, so you send him to Hull and they beat Arsenal, lot's more Garth time", "And then what? The Motherfucking Sunday Show MOTD2!"

Gary Lineker : "But he likes Adrian Chiles!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gary!"," Nobody likes Adrian fuckin' Chiles!, and then you give his job to that stupid Bitch Jacqui Oakley"

Alan Hansen : "That Defence was criminal!"

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing!"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Alan Shearer : "Fuck It, Just give him what he wants!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Gary Lineker : "Give Garth his job back, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Yammajordi? Shit?"



Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
55 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more