A stunned looking Arthur Pewty, reputed crime kingpin of Neasden and all round hard-man today had leaflets distributed to the hordes of the world's press encamped outside his flat in Norman Wisdom Tower Village, Neasden.
The leaflets apparently printed by Pewty's gangster moll wife, the glamorous Beryl, contained a warning regarding the evils of the so-called fun puzzle Su Doku, as endorsed by Carol Vorderman off Countdown, amongst others.
This is an extract:
'Su Doku is evil. When the puzzle is completed you can find the dates of every atrocity in the history of humanity if you look at the numbers.
With the exception of any date including a zero, which of course doesn't figure in Su Doku.
1888 - Jack the Ripper
1914 - The outbreak of World War One
1939 - The outbreak of World War Two
9/11 - The Twin Towers Outrage
1812 - The date of Tchaikowski's bloody awful overture
1974 - The year the USA finally gave up the ghost in Vietnam
1965 - The year Liverpool finally won the FA Cup
1999 - The year Scousers wish could be erased from the history books
Su Doku is some evil modern day equivalent of Nostradamus or Old Mother Shipton and should be banned.'
A spokesperson for Su Doku said in response: 'This Arthur Pewty bloke talks bollocks.'