World leader quiz
Answer these multiple-choice questions, and see if you could be a next world leader - the heads of state of America, Russia, France, Britain and Germany all refused to take the quiz, so here's your chance for glory:
1 - You're driving a golf caddie, and crash it into a tree. Do you:
- (A) not even notice you've crashed the caddie, even after security men have lifted the machine off you
(B) send the caddie to a frozen labour camp in the Arctic Circle for the next 45 years
(C) reason with the caddie that it is meant to crash, and crashing is only a part of life's vivid tapestry
(D) say 'sorry' to the caddie and make it a cup of tea, or
(E) jump back into the caddie and head for the Polish border.
2 - When the Queen of Britain, Elizabeth II, visits do you:
- (A) ask her how her husband King George III is
(B) refuse to meet her unless you can bring along a firing squad with you
(C) sharpen up Uncle Gaston's old guillotine that he keeps in his back yard
(D) wonder if Cousin Bea has got a good tip for the Kempton 2:30, or
(E) lend her family all those old uniforms that are gathering dust in your attic.
3 - At a UN enquiry into all the war crimes in history, do you:
- (A) blame the British
(B) blame the Germans and the Americans and the French
(C) blame the British and the Germans
(D) change the subject, or
(E) leave the room rather quickly.
4 - At a conference of world leaders, dinner is served. Do you
- (A) eat enough to feed a village for a year, and still complain about the fries
(B) get a food-taster to test the meal first, as long as he's not British
(C) get angry and start demanding that a French chef makes the food
(D) wonder why the food isn't boiled and served with tea, or
(E) sneak in your own packet of bratwurst and black bread, and pretend you're enjoying what everyone else isn't.
5 - After the meal, drinks are served. Do you:
- (A) choke on the drink, fall over, talk gibberish and pass out
(B) ask when the real drinking's starting, after you've had 12 neat vodkas
(C) get angry and insist that French wines and licqueurs are served
(D) fill your glass from a bottle of Glenmorangie whisky that you've hidden under the table, or
(E) steal some of the Glenmorangie whisky from the girl sitting next to you.
6 - If you're visiting a foreign country and a brass band starts playing local music to greet you, do you:
- (A) suddenly start belly-dancing and waving your hands in the air like an evangelist preacher
(B) grab the baton off the conductor and start pretending to conduct the music
(C) sniff and give the band dirty looks unless it plays La Marseillaise
(D) hope Elton John won't be playing with the band, or
(E) deny that your father is or ever was a member of the SS Lederhosen Flugelhornwehr.
7 - Oil is discovered in Rwanda. Do you
- (A) invade Rwanda in the name of 'freedom and democracy', although you've been ignoring its genocide for years
(B) start building a pipeline under the Indian Ocean
(C) look forward to lots of new exotic African dishes
(D) tell Rwandans to spell it 'Tangyanika', or
(E) tell the British to shut up.
8 - Bad economic news hit your country. Do you
- (A) ignore it and go and play some golf
(B) ignore it and go and hang yourself in grandpapa's barn
(C) ignore that you've stolen so much from your own country that it's made your own economy bad
(D) ignore it and go to the races at Ascot, or
(E) blame the British.
9 - A EU conference is held. Do you
- (A) ask what the EU is
(B) ask if the EU is like the USSR
(C) try and arrange for the conference to be held in your living room
(D) ask where the EU is, or
(E) make sure that the conference is held in your living room.
10 - In China, you're advised to leave a press conference by your advisors. Do you
- (A) try and exit through a locked window on the 14th floor
(B) don't bother to go to China in the first place
(C) criticise the Chinese for being cruel to animals, especially by not eating them
(D) guard your Corgi dogs protectively, or
(E) have your advisors shot for not obeying orders at all times without question.
So, which did you answer the most?
(A) You're destined to believe you're the leader of the free world, when you're really a one-man worldwide comedy routine
(B) you're destined to act like you rule the world, when you can't even rule your own country without tanks and bullets
(C) you're destined to eat anything that moves in the world, and to talk about ruling the planet over an eight-course dinner with Remy Martin
(D) you're destined to not care about the rest of the world, as long as it speaks English and doesn't understand cricket
(E) You're destined to not rule the world, but will keep on trying to anyway, if it wasn't for those Britischer schweinhunds you'd be goose-stepping through the streets of London, with your father in his SA uniform as ....