THE WHITE HOUSE, USA - Barbara Walters has interviewed world famous figures, personalities, and celebrities from Egypt's President Anwar Al Sadat to England's Margaret Thatcher to Cuba's Fidel Castro to Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky.
She had been wanting to interview President George Bush, but he had just been much to busy what with having to look for weapons of mass destruction, Osama Bin Laden, and Dick Cheney. But last week, Bush called her up and set up the interview. The interview was carried live on PBS and it will also be shown in two parts on The Disney Channel.
BW: Well hello Mr. President, how have you been feeling lately sir?
GB: Barbara, I've been feeling great. What have you heard?
BW: I heard that you had a wisdom tooth removed this morning.
GB: Yes, Barb I just had a wisdom tooth pulled about 35 minutes before you drove up...but luckily for me and of course the country I am still as smart as I ever was.
BW: 35 minutes ago? Did you have that procedure done here in the White House?
GB: Oh, Yes Babs, that's one of the nice things about being the president is that the dentist comes to you. And so do the butchers, the bakers, and the candlestick makers.
BW: And other than your dental work, how are you doing Mr. President?
GB: How am I doing what?
BW: Sir, I asked you first [BARBARA GIGGLES].
GB: Well let me put it this way sweety, lets just say that old Georgy here won't be eating any corn-on-the-cob or tongue-kissing Laura for a few days at least.
BW: And how is your lovely wife, Laura doing?
GB: How is she doing what?
BW: Oh, Mr. President, you are such a kidder...
GB: [INTERRUPTING] You know Barb, I've kinda been watching you and is it just me or have you been giving me that up and down once-over look?
BW: Mr. President...
GB: [INTERRUPTING AGAIN] Hey gal, you can call me Georgy.
BW: Okay. Georgy I do have to admit something to you. I cannot keep it inside of me any longer...this is so embarrassing but for the past 7 or 8 years I have had a crush on you...and I don't mean like a teenage girl crush on the star football quarterback, no...it's more like the renowned TV journalist and powerful president crush. And I am going to admit right here and now that I want to have your baby.
GB: You know Barbie, all of my life I have had that kind of affect on womenfolk. And you know it's a funny thing I can still remember a lot of my ex-girlfriend's names... lovely little honeys like Fluffy Courtmaster and Magnolia Sue Skiffanelli down in Austin, Chloe 'Blowy' Zebrowski over in Amarillo, Paprika Crawfingweather from Waco, and sweet little Consuelo de las Empanadas down in San Antonio.
Gosh it seems like only yesterday I was holding Connie and kissing her in the souvenir shop next to the Alamo. Ah yes sweet Connie de las Empanadas, hot damn! the things that little senorita could do with a tamale.
BW: Ah TMI...and Mr. President you sure do have a good memory.
GW: Well Miss Barbara truth be told there's a lot of good things this old Texas boy has. And you know up until now I have never ever really gotten a good close look at you and I must say that doggone it, you are one mighty handsome-looking 'muchacha,' and Barbarina that's Spanish for girl.
BW: I know Georgy, I took conversational Spanish in high school. But getting back to our interview. How is your lovely wife Laura doing?
GB: Thanks for asking. The little woman is doing fantastic. And as we speak she is in the kitchen just a-cooking her buns off. and actually she's baking some cornbread and fixing us up a batch of my favorite soup.
BW: And what kind of soup is that sir?
GB: We call it The George W. Bush/Lone Star State Compilation of Batches of Mix and Matched Vittles Allemande Left Stupendous Soup du Jour.
BW: Well that is certainly a mouthful.
GB: You betcha, hey I kind sound a little bit like old Sarah Lou Palin, don't I?
BW: Mr. President, is that an old family recipe?
GB: It sure is Barbie, in fact it has been passed down through the Bush family since the conestoga wagon days.
BW: Conestoga wagon? Is that kind of like a prairie schooner?
GB: Yes, it is except for the spelling.
BW: Mr. President, I'm a city girl, and speaking of prairies, what exactly are prairie oysters?
GB: [LAUGHING HIS COWPOKE ASS OFF]: Miss Barbarita, prairie oysters are a first cousin to the mountain oysters...and [BLUSHING] well as we say down in Tejas, and honey that's Spanish for Texas, mountain oysters are bull 'juevos' or 'toro' balls.
BW: [EMBARRASSED AS HELL]: Goodness me, I am so sorry I asked.
GW: Well let me tell you Babs, you ain't half as sorry as them bulls are...talk about some pissed off 'ole toros.'
BW: Mr. President, let me change the subject if I may.
GB: Go right ahead, Babina, it's your nickel.
BW: Sir, I know that you have met with practically every world leader in existence. So tell me how did you find Mr. Putin?
GB: Well, I didn't actually find him, Mr. Poopin actually found me. And I did find him to be one funny hombre (man).
BW: You mean Putin?
GB: I beg your pardon...why did you call me a mean Putin?
BW: Mr. President, that's not what I meant. But I can see that the secret service agents are motioning for you to wrap up our interview. But if I may Mr. President, just one more thing before you leave, I don't want to seem like I'm unappreciative or anything, but I really cannot accept that pet goat you gave me.
GW: Well, he ain't exactly a pet. But hey, no problem, tomorrow night we're having a little fandango for Condoleezza and a lady friend so I'll just have Bubba and Paco take it out back and barbecue it.
BW: Mr. President, I mean Georgy, thank you so much for your time.
[BUSH GIVES BARBARA A BIG KISS RIGHT ON HER LIPS]
BW: Wow! Whoopi and Joy aren't gonna believe this.
GB: Barbie baby, you sure are one fine-looking little specimen...if Laura ever divorces me, I'll give you a call. Mmmm-mmmm. Hasta later girl.
BW: Goodbye Mr. President.
GB: 'Adios' girl.
(Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop)