Our forefathers created a simple game, with very few laws, but at least one of them had the good sense to include Law 11 - Offside.
For over 100 years Men could pretend to understand this law with impunity.
No Woman would ever dare to contradict our version of events, no matter how ludicrous the explanation, or how many condiments we employed, they accepted what we said as gospel.
But in the 70's and 80's a new phenomena gripped the previously swinging 60's, one that would change the face of Sport forever.
The enemy within….Gay Men.
A lethal combination of a little knowledge and a dangerous thing.
They knew Rule 11 was just a ruse, but they were just terrible gossips and soon Women knew the truth.
Real Men, Men like Sepp Blatter tried their utmost to defend the Man's Game, they introduced new and perplexing interpretations of Law 11, such as "Interfering With Play", "1st and 2nd Phases" and "Daylight", but it was too late.
By the 90's women were not only watching in the stands, but were now out on the pitch too.
Move forward a decade and there are "Professional" Women's Football Teams.
Whether it's Arsenal Ladies, Doncaster Belles or the Women's Institute 3rd XI the dynamics remain the same;8 Munters, 1 Half Right, An Absolute Darling, And Of Course, 5'3" Of No.1 Emblazoned, Green Shirted, Be-Pony-Tailed, Pure Comedy Gold, That Is The Lady Goalkeeper.
And here is the crux of the whole matter.
If Women just accepted that they watch Football because it's played by rich, fit, good looking, young Men, we'd accept it.
But they don't, take them to a game and within 5 minutes they'll feel compelled to explain why the Right Back is vulnerable to the counter-attack as he is prone to lapses in concentration and is far too often square on when faced with a pacy Winger providing the opponent the option of going inside or out, when in fact if he shepherded him toward the Corner Flag, not only would he stand a better chance of cutting out the cross, but if he failed the Centre Half would know that in being forced to cross from such a distance and under pressure, defending the near post offers an infinitely higher percentage chance of an interception.
So What To Do? Is There A Solution? Well Yes….
Queens Park Rangers are the saviours of Football.
Why you ask, when they charge £50 to watch poor Players in an average League?
Simple Really. When my Missus found out it was £Half-a-Ton, she said;
"I Could Buy A New Pair Of Shoes For That!"
There is no need for Women to create a shroud of mystery with regard to Shoes, no Off-Side Law Required; they love them more than they love you.
And so today, you can go to Football, a free Man, the only price to pay is the loss of another square foot of wardrobe, and the good Corinthian burghers of Wanderers, Proud Preston and Royal Engineers can once again Rest In Peace.
Flavio Briatore, We Salute You!