Written by NickFun

Saturday, 28 June 2008

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image for Why I am not an advice columnist

Occasionally I like to pick up the newspaper and read one of those advice columns that usually start with "Dear Amy" then the person describes his/her problem. Whenever I read the advice I always think "that's not the advice I would have given". I have abbreviated some of the questions and here are the answers I would have given:

Dear Nick, I am a 16 year old boy and my girlfriend is trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. I am afraid of losing her! What should I do? Signed virgin

Dear virgin, what are you? A homo? You know she wants it! How can you resist those two gorgeous melons staring you in the face? Pork her before she gets cold! Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!


Dear Nick, I have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me? Signed baffled

Dear baffled, How the hell should I know? Maybe your breath stinks. Maybe you won't give him a blow job. Maybe you're a whiny bitch! Maybe the guy's an asshole! Did you ever think of these things? Dump him and buy yourself a vibrator. It sounds like it would love you as much as he does!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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