Written by Steddyeddy

Thursday, 19 June 2008

image for A guide to computer viruses

Fern Britten Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Jonathan Ross Virus: Not much use but still manages to get money out of your computer

BT Virus: Every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.

Virgin Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the BT virus.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

David Davis Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before whole damn thing quits.

EDS Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to work, even improperly.

Bankski Virus: Colorises your monochrome monitor without your consent.

Arnold Schwarzeneger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Ruth Kelly Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Chav Virus: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Civil Service Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

House of Commons Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

British Airways Virus: You're in London, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Big Issue Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at a chip shop in Grimsby.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your computer to become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Quickfit Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and set of shocks.

Tommy Cooper Virus: Your programmes can never be found again.

Human Resource Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your bank account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through e-bay.

Star Trek Virus: Invades you system in places no virus has gone before.

BUPA Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs . . . No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Naomi Campbell virus: A mean, ugly virus that thinks it's a major operating system and shuts down when you say otherwise

Pete Doherty Virus: Gets high with little help from its friends

Amy Winehouse Virus: Infects the tumble dryer instead

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Virus
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