Today Her Majesty wrote a letter to George Bush, and we can reveal its contents:
We thank you for giving us lunch in your little white house in Washington, though some tea with it would have been nice - and some Battenberg cake, of course. We found your pets charming, although your dog was a little boisterous compared to our corgis, but your chimpanzee kept us amused during the meal. He was very quiet, and only made occasional monkey noises, though he had a bit of difficulty using a knife and fork.
We have always enjoyed visiting America, and we will return after your country has had another few Presidents, most of them your sons, no doubt. We heard that the one in Texas is quite an able politician, but that another one was sadly replaced by the chimpanzee, due to his excessive alcohol and chemical intake.
Our own sons are hardly any better, to be honest, the oldest one talks to fruit trees and shouts at new buildings, and the second one is completely bats in the belfry, we thought of putting him into a home when he was younger. But our daughter is very smart, and if the fools that decide these things would change the rules then the British public would choose her as next monarch, if we retired, rather than Charles - a brain-damaged baboon would make a better King than him.
And as for our grandsons, one thinks he's a female fashion model, and the other one has become a psychopath. To be frank, he's the only Royal in history NOT to be in a war for token reasons, we were just glad to get the maniac out of the country before he used the servants as target practice.
Phillip sends his regards, and says he's sorry not to have made any public gaffes there - though he now says 'With that ridiculous chimp making everyone laugh, there was no need to make any jokes about cowboys or Yanks. And shut up Charles, you big girl's blouse, I'm sick of you droning on about plants! Go and become a gardener, if you like 'em so bloody much!'
So we will finish this now, and hope that you and your wife, and your sons, and your dog and your chimpanzee, are all well.
With regards, Elizabeth R.
P.S. Phillip stole some towels with the E Pluribus Unum thing on them out of your bathroom, we'll send them back as soon as we cash our giro next week. Liz.