I have a new boyfriend who has been suggesting to me some interesting yet scary sounding sexventures. I have been a faithful reader of your many spoof.cum advice columns and would like to know what you think about the following:
1) Vaginal Photoplethysmograph Probe
2) Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Monitoring
3) Vaginocavernosus Reflex
XCITED BUT CONFUSED
Sounds to me like you either hit the sexsual bonanza or U have coupled with a real sexsual pervert. How can you tell the difference? Read on...
The Vaginal P Probe is a legitimate sexologist's tool. If your new "friend" uses a zucchini or banana for this "experiment", I suggest that you immediately call the Vegetable and Fruit Abuse Prevention Board (VFAPB).
NPTM is also a conventional sexologist procedure. However if the said monitoring involves placing long thin glass rods in the pp opening, run for the fucking hills!
The Vaginocavernous reflex is a scientifically proven phenomenon. This reflex can be observed by stimulating the walls of the vaginal cavern. If your new friend dons a miner's helmet equipped with lantern and attempts to enter the cavern head first, promptly call the Spelunking Safety Board. Vaginal caverns may not be entered in this fashion except by certified expert vaginospelunkers, of which there are precious few...