Written by Sophie Jayne

Tuesday, 8 April 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for A Sexless Christmas At Hogwarts no more sex for you.

It was Christmas time at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry and everyone was getting into the festive sprit. The grounds were covered in a layer of thick Hedwig white coloured snow and from every nook and cranny hung magical decorations.

Inside a boom cupboard Sophie and Harry were giving each other their Christmas pressies (ermmm yes) to one another when Barty Crouch Junior (i.e. David tenant) rushed in.

Crouch: Harry quick come to the great hall. Professor Dumbledore has a Christmas surprise for us all, it is going to be well good.

Harry: (angrily yet sexy) can't you see we are in the middle of something here. Anyhow aren't you supposed to be in Azkaban?

Harry and Sophie begin to get dressed.

Crouch: God Harry not even dementors are that nasty, they let us out at Christmas! And out of interest how the hell do you get your penis to do that?

Harry: What? This? (Making his penis tie his shoe laces and zip up his fly)

Sophie: Crouch, you really have been in jail for too long. Even Snape the potions master can perform penis patronum; it is the easiest sex spell after pensis erectus.

Harry: (slightly angry yet sexy) How Do you now what sex spells Snape can do Sophie?

Sophie: ermmm Bellatrix Lestrange told me

Crouch, Sophie and Harry arrive in the nick of tip to just see Dumbledore whip off his bra and mount a pole and start to perform an erotic dance.

Harry: Crouch you were right this is the best Christmas present anyone could ever get!

Half an hour later the resistance of Hogwarts are still enjoying a bit of Dumbledore, Mad Eye Moody and Colin Creevey have even got up to join in. Dumbledore is riding Colin when suddenly he falls the floor in a very dramatic way.

Everyone: OH MY GOD

Harry: (running out of the crowd to Dumbledore's side) this man needs mouth to mouth resuscitation any volunteers.

Several people; I ll do it!

But it is Arthur Weasley who rushes to the front the quickest and begins banging Dumbledore's chest and sucking at his lips.

Harry: (to Sophie) is it just me or is he snogging him and not actually clearing the air passages.

Sophie: Would you blame him? Dumbledore is fitty!

Some time later……

Arthur: I declare this man dead. Albus Dumbledore was a great Wizard. He held the best gang bangs and was responsible for some of the best sex spells known to man. But at least he died doing what he did best. To the room cupboards where we can shag each other in memory of the great man. Come on Ginny, I want you in that room cupboard naked NOW.

There is a made rush as groups disappear into near by broomie. Sophie and Harry chose their favourite haunt the broom cupboard next to the boy's toilets.

Half an hour later……

Sophie: I don't understand Harry, you have never had this problem before? Is it because you don't find me attractive anymore?

Harry: No it is nothing like that. It is just not happening; I just can't get it up. Not even the penis erectus works,

Sophie: (sigh) never mind shall we go up to the common room and play monopoly that is equally as fun.

They arrive in the common room excepting to find it empty, but instead it is full of people playing scramble and monopoly . They make there way through the mass of gamers to Hermione and Ron.

Hermionie is topless and Ron is only dressed in his boxers and one sock.

Sophie: What are you doing? Thought you would be in a broom cupboard.

Hermione: yes I thought that too but Ron couldn't perform. So we are playing strip scrabble. It is strange because usually one peak at my nipple (points to her topless area) and Ron is stiff., but not today.

Sophie: That is strange Harry is having the same problem.

Harry: (in a hiss, yet sexy) I thought we said we would keep that private,

Ron: Don't worry mate, it looks like the whole castle can't…..you know. It is almost as if it is some kind of curse.

Harry: Oh what a great Christmas this is going to be!

Hermione: No, I think I read about this( fiddlers about in her bag and pulls out a dusty book) lets see here. (Begins to read) 'If a great wizard dies on the eve of Christmas, no other wizard can have sexual intercourse for one year after his death. This is known as the curse of hootaboot.'


Sophie: there must be a way to break the curse.

Hermione: Oh there is a way to break it, but it isn't pretty.

Ron; anything,

Hermione: If ten people have full on sex, including oral , with the dead body of Dumbledore before midnight the curse will lift.

Sophie: Ewww

Ron and Harry: I ll do it.

Sophie: Ewww

Harry: babe it is fine it is not classed as cheating if the other person is dead. Okay we need eight more people.

By 11:55 Ron, Harry, Arthur Weasley, Tonks, Hagrid, Fred, Dobby, Snape and flitch (and his cat) have all had a passionate time with the dead body of Dumbledore,

Harry: (out of breath) it is strange how we can't get it on with the living, but we have no bother doing it with the dead.

Sophie: (cross) yeah strange! But look there are four mins until midnight and one more person needs to do Dumbledore.

Harry: Sophie you will have to do it.

Sophie: Ewww

Suddenly Lord Voldermort appears in a puff of smoke dressed in his best Le Senza lingerie.

Voldie: this is a job for the vold.

Harry: You have three minutes; you will have to be quick.

Voldie: Fortunately I am good at being quick. (He jumps on the dead body and drags it into the nearest broom cupboard).

There are a few strange grunting noises, them two minutes later Voldermort comes out a little flustered.

Voldie: it is done, the curse is broken!

Harry: (looking down at his now bulging crotch) Voldermort had done it again! I am erect ones again. VOLDERMORT HAS SAVED CHRISTMAS!

Voldie: all in a days work.

Harry: how can I ever repay you?

Voldie: I can think of a few ways (with a wink)

Sophie: That won't be necessary, come on Harry there are things we have to do!

And with that Sophie drags Harry into the broom cupboard and believe me they have a very merry Christmas!


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
100 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more