Written by Perry Winnwet

Friday, 7 March 2008

In a small town in the United States, a man of twenty two years old named Jacob won the lottery, a total sum (after taxes) of one million dollars. When asked what he would do with the money, he replied that he would probably go to Disney World, Paris, prison, or something else along those lines.

Questioned as to his answer of "prison", he apologized for not being clear about it earlier, and answered, "You see, I've got a brother in jail, and he's in there for stealing, because he had to support me and my mom and he didn't know how else to do it but to steal stuff and either use what he stole or sell it. So now that I have so much money, I can pay the fine or whatever it is."

Sure enough, two days later, Charlie, Jacob's brother, was released from prison on probation. (Note: due to Jacob's childish and happy voice, Charlie prefers to be called Josh so as not to be mistaken for Charlie the Unicorn)

It was later uncovered by another branch of this magazine, the Moronical Monthly based out of Moroni, Comoros, that an application was sent to the African Space Agency from "Josh" to be an astronaut. Sadly, due to certain policies dealing with criminal records and his inability to speak the language in which he would have worked, his application was rejected.

Jacob tried to cheer "Josh" up by taking him to Disney World. It didn't work.

Later, Jacob asked "Josh" what he had always wanted to do, but couldn't, besides being an astronaut. "Josh" thought about it, but could not seem to decide on any job.

While walking down a street, "Josh" saw a poster for a monster truck rally, and immediately remembered his childhood fantasy of being the best monster truck driver ever. Jacob saw to entering "Josh" in the rally, buying a Super-Huge-Almost-Larger-Than-Godzilla-Monstrous-Monster-Truck and insurance.

Win "Josh" did indeed, beating out all the competition as a rookie, including a four time state defending champion Joey Huey Allnoe. However, due to a referee standing barely inside the course, "Josh" drove over his leg as the referee attempted to dodge the massive truck.

By running over the African American referee's leg in his first ever tournament, "Josh" was sent back to prison for a hate crime because of the earlier edition of the Moronical Daily which showed "Josh's" rejection of the African Space Agency. After paying for "Josh's" dream, Jacob had no money to hire a lawyer smart enough to argue that it was the referee's fault that the referee's leg was run over.

In an interview last week, "Josh" told us that although he hated his name to death, he needed a bit of happiness, and that he preferred the last word in this short, exclusive biography to be Charlie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Disney, Money, Prison
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