Written by Kerfuffle

Sunday, 27 January 2008

Throughout the English-speaking world they are inbred, cramp-toothed drunks with a penchant for riding on horses wearing shined boots. To the Germans they are "Inselaffen" or 'island apes'- probably because they've ended up kicking their heads in after every international football game in recorded history. The French, having had the most dealings with them, simply call them 'those f*cking English', though relations are on the mend since they built conspicuously cheap supermarkets throughout Calais.

The truth falls somewhere between these accusations. You see, while their alcoholism rates are on par with Russia (a place where antibiotics are a tertiary medical treatment next to hard liquor and a coal fire) they`re very open about it. Social stigma regarding drunkenness simply doesn't exist there- with the result that they share in all aspects of it. Need a piss? Can`t get up? No worries; you`re in Britain. Any self-respecting, Celtic drunkard will wipe a tear from his eye, get up and shake your hand. Then he will glass you and drag you outside, and by the end of the night you will be sharing a spliff together.

Violence, too, is evident in their prosecution rates and even the courts are demonstrated to appreciate Britishness by their lenience in dealing with them. Upon the completion of an education in law a British student is handed two suits (interchangeable for washing and dry-cleaning purposes), a tube of hair gel and a comb. The efficacy of these tools is attested to by the fact that (proportionate to the general populace) more citizens with a criminal record walk the streets of Britain than probably anywhere else in the world.

They excel at sport, too. It is accepted that 1966 was the historical peak of football and that no team will ever achieve the level of athletic Godhood the competing teams did in that World Cup tournament and, bless them, they like to ride on that. Also, while it is said that their bid for the 2012 Olympics was chosen for its feasibility, in actuality British representatives donned Celtic war-paint and beheaded one committee member a day until they surrendered to British demands. The games will now include 'yard of ale', fox hunting and the re-colonisation of third world countries- including Wales, Ireland and the States.

Britain is one of the most multicultural nations in the world. Tensions with the Islamic faith have inevitably risen due to its refusal of alcohol, but Middle Eastern oil wells and its mutual dislike for Americans and communists neatly counterbalances this.

Great Britain is great because 'it simply does not give a f*ck'. It is the culmination of millenniums of invasion and reclamation by the world and the Celts respectively. It is due to this oppression that they conquered three quarters of the world with simply a pouch of shiny-looking objects to give to the natives and a few boats. They slaughtered, back-stabbed and machinated and at one point sold more heroin than has ever been sold by any single drug-trafficker in the history of mankind. And after all this- centuries later, they remain a leading moral authority and world economy.

That is why they`re the only country with the recognised prefix 'Great'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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