Written by JAB

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Don't ever let it be said that Iowans take their caucusing lightly. Here is a sample of some of the issues and questions the caucusers would like answered by the cocksure Presidential hopefuls.

"When choosing a Vice Presidential running mate will you use Match.com or eHarmony .com?"
~ Jerry Atrick

"If Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco were to have a love child, would your health plan cover it?"
~ Benny Fitz

"If someone sees a UFO over their local Johnny Rockets or Piggly Wiggly, will Dennis Kucinich be the only who'll believe it?"
~ Iona Plough

"Should Senator Kennedy have recused himself when questioning Judge Mukasey's attorney general nomination on waterboarding?"
~ Lee Derhosen

"If body piercing and tattoo artists are government regulated, why aren't earmarks?"
~ Ida Claire

"Should the Office of Homeland Security issue threat level orange at the Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport's men's bathroom when Congress is in recess?"
~ Olga Fokyrcelph

"According to the Kyoto Protocol is ethanol a vegetable or a gas?"
~ Ira Pent

"Jack Bauer has confirmed it, the Joint Chiefs of Staff has ok'd it, your finger is on the button and you're sweating -- are you using a solid or a roll-on?"
~ Clyde S.Dale

"Should a fat pole dancer be concerned about a G-7?"
~ Denny Grate

"What is an Aussie? (A) Sharon Osbourne's husband (B) an expression in a poorly dubbed Japanese B movie (C) someone who plays football with a prolate spheroid ball and no helmet (D) how you talk when your mouth has been numbed at the dentist?"
~ Theopholos Punnoval

"To help reduce greenhouse gas emissions would you encourage Congress to ban the use of hairsprays and synthetic hairpieces for all Congressmen?"
~ Anne Teak

"Do you think the brazen insouciances of Congressman William Jefferson (D-LA) and Senator Larry Craig(R-ID) are a leading cause of ennui among voters?"
~ Daryl Lickt

"If Freddie Mercury was suitable to be a Queen, why do think Prince Charles is not suitable to be a King?"
~ W.Anker

"Is the country ready to elect the first President, not to wear a codpiece?"
~ Dee O'Darant

"Since, Nicholas Sarkozy has become president of France our relations have improved. Would you still use the threat of "freedom fries" if those relations should change?"
~ Mona Lott

"What will be the official White House dog if you are elected President: a Whippet, Dandie Dinmont Terrier or a Bullshitzu (a cross between a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu)?"
~ Trudy Ages

"Would you be in favor of a pardon for "Scooter" Libby if he agreed to change his name to "Fibby" Libby?"
~ Matt A.Horn

"Should 'guest workers' be allowed to pick escarole, endive and arugula as well as iceberg, romaine and butterhead?"
~ Jose Canuc

"What is your favorite kind of waffle?"
~ Bette Wetter

"If you became President would you hold a summit with the Prime Minister of Canada to discuss his country's politically incorrect use of the word loonie?"
~ Moe Dalawn

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Iowa
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