Indiana Frightful - As a scribe of some note with many, many gongs under one's scarab, I was praised for writing kindly about little Madeleine McCann almost immediately after she'd been cruelly abducted.
But I was quite literally knocked off my perch by the fan letters I received. Out of all the praise my great gift to you received, and it is no mere Godsend, half of the scribblings waxed with portent about Gerry and Kate McCann; the other half were thoroughly foul, rude, and got downright up my nose.
Are they in their right mind leaving their three precious offspring without a maid or nanny, they whined. For children, half an hour would be an eternity, they wailed. The McCanns were "trouble", they were "aloof", they were "cold".
These are not views that I would care to repeat over and over again for their sake. Nor would I like to repeat the view at every opportunity that they are devious, manipulative, PR addicts.
Darlings, I most definitely think they are not guilty of anything, and never have been. Oh toughen up! Leaving small children alone is good for their characters. Right-minded Spoof readers naturally try to reduce the home alones because we're scared of our children over-indulging. And science provides sensible professional types like us with statistics that prove that monsters do not lurk round every corner. That's the way we are in middle England. Downright tough.
But dears, I was devastated by my multitudinous fans' response, primarily because when a simply dreadful thing happens, saintly reverence and the moral high ground is safer than going on and on about DNA, bodily fluids, sedation, ye gods, even white slavery.
So I say back off the McCanns, and stop going on and on about these ghastly upsetting things such as blood, sleeping tablets, tests, forensics. We all know it's a perv what did it, and let us all pray he is banged up good and proper, and soon.
Note: This is a parody of The Times story, Lay Off the McCanns by India Knight.