Written by trythisathome

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Martin is going door to door. Having had 21 slammed in his face he arrives at no 22. A house owned by Enid & Edna. He raps on the knocker.

Frail Voice from inside. Wait a minute. I am on my way.

10 minutes later the door opens & a little old lady with a walking frame appears in the doorway.

Martin Hello there Madam. My name is Martin & I have come to speak to you about the meaning of life.

Enid (Gummy smile) (Oh! You had better come in then Dear. (Shouts as he walks through the door) EDNA! Come down stairs there is a preacher in the house.)

Frail Voice upstairs. Oooooooooh!

Martin watches from the hallway as Edna slides down the banister in her stair lift. Her skirt flapping., showing her big spotty knickers. She gets out and limps towards them.

Edna Well come through to the living room Dear. Make yourself comfortable. Take off your shoes & your Jacket.

Martin does as he is told & follows the ladies into the very hot living room and sits on a flowery settee. (The ladies sit tightly either side of him)

Martin (Losening his tie) As I said I am here to talk about the meaning of life and…….

Enid It's a cult isn't it.

Martin (laughs) No not at all. I am a Jehovah Witness. (Unbuttons his top two shirt buttons & wipes his brow)

Edna Yes Dear a cult. Don't you want virgins with long flowing locks. We are too old for you. Take your shirt off dear if you're hot.

Martin (Undoes more buttons) It is not a cult Madam it's a religion.

Enid I have some home baked buiscuits shaped into cult designs in the larder. I will go and get them. Did you want a glass of milk with them. I am afraid we are all out of goat or childs blood. Gets up on her frame and slowly ambles off to the kitchen.

Martin No honestly the Jehovah Witness religion is not a cult.

Edna All religions are cults dear. Some just spout the bible. Others show their adoration to the lord with animal & human sacrifice. It can be quite bloody I hear.

Martin (Embarrassed) There are no sacrifices in our religion.

Edna (Sucks in air) You don't celebrate Christmas. That's a sacrifice. Religion Dear, is one long sacrifice.

Martin (Frowning) I meant no animal or human sacrifices. Its so hot in here. (Wipes his brow again)

Edna (Leans closer) I understand Dear that you have to be very careful with the truth for fear of prosecution.

Enid returns balancing her biscuit tin on her walking frame, a glass of Milk spilling over her fingers as she totters. Enid hands the glass to Martin which slips in her frail hands & the contents spill into Martins lap.

Enid Oooops. (Chuckles) Get out of those wet trousers Dear. I will put them into the tumbley dryer. They will go round & round (Moves her head in a circular motion) till they are all dry. We do like our tumbley dryer.

Martin (Embarrassed) It's okay.

Edna Take them off. Don't be shy. We are just little old ladies. (Slaps his leg playfully)

Martin takes off his trousers just as Enid opens the biscuit tin and offers it to Martin. He pulls out an animal shaped cookie with a blob of jam on its neck.

Enid (Smiles)I see you went for the pig with the slit throat Dear.

Martin screws his face up & reluctantly nibbles on the cookie.

Edna (Looks at Enid) Shall we confide in him.

Enid If you think we can trust him.

Edna Oh I do. (Takes a deep breath) Well Dear, we are a cult too. We are members of the O.L.D.A. That stands for. (Old Ladies Do Anything) (licks her lips in attempt at looking seductive). You know what DO ANYTHING means don't you. (Starts thrusting her crotch) That home baked biscuit you have just eaten is laced with a particular composition, which will render you unconscious in (Looks at her watch) ooooooh, about 2 minutes. (Rubs her hands together with glee)

Martins face drops and he goes a shade of grey. He starts to get up.

Enid (Pats the space on the sofa) Don't fight it dear, its ok .

Martin grabs his clothes & runs out of the house.

Enid & Edna start to howl with laughter.

Enid Suckers. (They laugh some more).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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