20 June 2007
Ministry of Justice
54 Victoria Street
In this day and age where religious zealots are crashing into unsuspecting buses and hotels with tons of explosives packed to their vehicles, do you not think it is perhaps time to rid ourselves of the need to call normal people, such as you, "Lord"? Charles has a much better ring to it, especially as not long now we will have a King named exactly thus.
My apologies, Sir, I digress.
I wrote to you some time ago at the Lord Chancellor's Office regarding an incident that proved unequivocally that the law is an ass. No, not even an ass but rather a mule - a beast which is as impotent as it is stubborn.
True to form I never received a reply. What is it with the big wigs of today's world when they do not even have the courtesy to reply to the proletariat's correspondence? Bear in mind, Sir, that we pay your salary.
Perhaps my letter got lost in between your Department hopping. If this is the case, I apologise unreservedly. I do hope this letter finds you this time, although it would be understandable if a thoroughly embarrassed Mr Blair moves you again to another department with haste after all these justice and prisons shenanigans.
I have a vexing question which perhaps you could put your gifted and learned mind to. An interesting development has cropped up on the local news where an 85-year old ex-RAF nurse is refusing to pay her exorbitant council tax and daring the council to send the bailiffs in and pack her off to prison. Therein lies the rub. She will get a maximum of a month's sentence for her disservice to her country, but where, Sir, will you put her? There are no bed spaces. And if one were to become handy, she could certainly not be classed as dangerous, and so she'd have to be freed 18 days prior to the original release date, making it a pretty pointless exercise. What if every person in Britain decided to stop paying their council taxes all at once. Where would you place them? Perhaps we could borrow some space from Iceland in return for a few million tons of cod?
I look forward to hearing your grand plan, of which I have no doubt you have. The mind, Sir, it boggles!
R S V Peters
PS: Are you still Baron Falconer of Thoroton, PC, QC, or just a plain old Charlie?