Written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 15 June 2007

Instructions: Answer all questions truthfully, completely and to the best of your ability. Pencils only and no unnecessary marking on the test answer sheet. You have 30 minutes to complete all 10 questions. When you have completed the test, please take it to the nearest armored personnel carrier available. Good luck.

1. Why are you applying for an Iraqi driver's license today?

    A. I need it to transport my family reliably, and most importantly, safely across town.
    B. I need it for my business to support myself and/or family.
    C. Either A or B or both.
    D. I need it to find a shortcut to Paradise.

2. When making a left hand turn do you:

    A. Turn on your left hand signal indicator.
    B. Signal with your left arm out the window.
    C. Either A or B or both.
    D. Immediately head for the newest security check point and blow yourself up.

3. When coming to a stop sign do you:

    A. Come to a rolling stop.
    B. Slow down and check cross traffic before proceeding without ever stopping.
    C. Stop completely then proceed safely at the posted speed limit.
    D. Check for infidels before blowing yourself up.

4. When stuck in traffic do you:

    A. Shut off your motor to save gas and reset the timer on the explosives you are transporting.
    B. Keep your motor running and reset the timer on the explosives you are transporting.
    C. Either A or B.
    D. None of the above.

5. When asked by the authorities of the Iraqi government or US/Allied Forces to stop
and/or pull over to the side of the road do you:

    A. Do what they ask immediately.
    B. Ask why before doing it.
    C. Attempt to use your fingers to plug up the bullet holes in your body to stop from bleeding out before losing consciousness.
    D. Attempt to detonate the explosives far from your intended designated target anyways.

6. When a pedestrian jaywalks in front of your car do you:

    A. Curse him as you swerve your car to avoid hitting him.
    B. Slow down, wave him over and ask for directions to the Green Zone.
    C. Stop. Let him walk by safely and quietly pray for his soul as he passes.
    D. Honk your horn wildly at your pedestrian partner as an attempt to draw attention to yourselves and thereby allow the other members your team to have the best chances for success in the coordinated attack.

7. When filling up your car with gasoline at a petrol station do you:

    A. Commiserate with the person standing next to you filling up with gas about how out ridiculously high the price of gas as gotten lately.
    B. Curse beneath your breath, mumbling to yourself, "Vengeance, someday. Vengeance."
    C. Take the opportunity to point out to everybody how you had the wisdom to go with a sub-compact car when everybody else was buying a Hummer.
    D. Selfishly top off your tank; knowing full well you are carrying enough explosives that, that additional gasoline you're purchasing will have little to no effect on to the collateral damage the blast will already cause, and it is just your way of sticking it to the man.

8. When you get a flat tire while driving on the road do you:

    A. Slow down, turn on the hazard lights and turn off to the side of the road when it is safe.
    B. Speed up and proceed to your destination even though sparks are shooting off from your bare rim, hoping no one will take notice.
    C. Call ahead to the team leader and tell him you're running a little late and start the attack without you.
    D. Slow down, turn on the hazard lights, turn off to the side of the road when it is safe, and take the opportunity to convert your car explosives into IED's (improvised explosive devices).

9. When approaching an intersection with a green signal light just turned yellow do you:

    A. Speed up and hope you make it.
    B. Slow down and wait for it to turn red.
    C. Proceed at an unchanged rate of speed.
    D. Shoot out all the traffic cameras with your AK-47 or RPG.

10. When transporting explosives in your car do you:

    A. Smoke.
    B. Smoke sometimes, or smoke but always use filled cigarettes only.
    C. I'm a non-smoking suicide car bomber, because smoking is bad for your health and secondhand smoke kills.
    D. None of the above.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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