Written by clevelandclowns

Monday, 11 June 2007

image for This Just In: Cleveland Has Exclusive Clubs

CLEVELAND, OH - I know. I couldn't believe it myself. I just saw a report on both Channel 3 and Action News this week regarding Cleveland's finest and exclusive hotspots for the celebs and big wigs. Yeah right, right? Well, it's right; oh baby is it right! And it's hoooooot! It's a mixture of a lukewarm and caffeine-free diet Cheerwine.

So look out, 'cause Cleveland is knocking on the doors of the world and letting everyone know that they're invited to a party----so long as they fall in the top tier of the super upper class…or at least had a one hit wonder.

Never has Cleveland seen the likes of such greats like Lil' Bow Wow, the Sisters Duff, and the Brothers Carter sweep through this city since the days of Rick Springfield and Tommy Tutone. Well, call me crazybeans, but I think we got it back. Cleveland's invitation to the celebs comes with a full backbone of support.

"We tried to jazz up the local bars already in place, you see," announced a spokesperson for the Cleveland Planning & Development camp. "We then decided, 'Hey! Let's just go build some bars in places no one can see. You know, a speakeasy-cabaret-casino-bar and grille-nightclub-disco-discotheque-private club-type.' At first, we thought of patenting the idea, but then decided it would just be too much work."

I was invited for a night out at one of these nightspots, via Ted Danson (old chum and Ted owes me one for a cover-up I assisted in involving a dead crack dealer, a statue of a black baby Jesus, a baby seal and a tow-motor back in the Cheers days), and instead of going into a long descriptive anecdote, let me just catalog the event for you:

  • coke bar
  • balloons
  • smokes for free
  • fucking ninjas
  • Jell-O Jigglers
  • no waiting for booze
  • elephants
  • free sexual favors, with no game needed
  • candied apples
  • an alien
  • lines off strippers' boobies
  • Jesus Christ
  • interracial lusting
  • headbands w/ the logo of the bar on it! Neato!
  • appetizers and hors d'oeuvres
  • 9 hole Par 3 golf course w/ free club rental
  • Ralph Macchio

After we headed out of that club, we proceeded to the second social establishment. You mean, it's not over? NO WAY BIZNITCHES!

As I approached the smoke-filled corridor where the entrance sat, I realized that I was actually below sea level. It was right then that I realized who I saw in the distance. It was R. fucking Kelly!

I ran up to him like a gay teenage boy in a butcher shop and quickly dispersed my opinion to him about how awesomely gay that In the Closet music video hip-hopera was and that I wanted to buy some of the crack that he was on when he came up with that idea and the crack he had when he actually went through with the whole production of the awful project.

Much to my disbelief, it was the same crack for both. He then sold me some and I don't remember what happened from there. I awakened in R. Kelly's zucchini patch with a circus clown, a Chinese tourist and a panda bear. R. Kelly woke up in the shed with 2 male midgets. At least, I thought they were midgets. But they were male. Hmmmmm…Sorry, I was thinking out loud.


Currently accusations are being uncovered regarding the recent transaction of the Cavaliers' partial owner, "Usher" Raymond IV. It is said that because of this transaction by the Ush to purchase a part of the Cavaliers, more and more of the elite are coming to the show. When we asked Usha Usha what he thinks about the idea that it's LeBron James who is spearheading the movement for all the attention and the main reason why superstardom is now being attracted back into Cleveland, which directly placed a shift in the limelight due to a Forward, he responded, "No way. It's because of me. Just look at these moves. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah..Yeah, Yeah. Yeah!"

As we approached the many involved with this allegation, we noticed that everyone was being a little too cold about the subject. When asked about Usher's influence, mayor of Cleveland, Frank Jackson, left us with an original "No annotation."

After I had looked up the word, I realized that Frank Jackson was original and I was glad he was smarter than he had looked on camera.

We also asked a few of the other players in the locker room what they thought and it was concluded that it wasn't due to either LeBron or Usher, but because of the exclusive clubs.

"Peeps wanna bounce. So, now theys have places like dat in C-town to bizzy! Oh, and fuck hot white chicks. Yeaaaaaaaah...OK!What! Hahahahahahaha," was the response from fellow team-mate, Zydrunas Ilgauskas. "I've been to an exclusive club once in L.A. and it is nothing like this! Cleveland is the new L.A.," added Strength-and-Conditioning Coach for the Cavs, Stan Kellers. That's good enough for me. BiraBiraBiotch.

Matt Warzel

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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