Written by rfreed

Monday, 5 November 2018

In the latest craze to hit the horror fan crowd, are Haunted Houses designed for very specific groups. Each is tailor-made to scare the bone marrow out of their target audience -

Gun Nut Horror House - Specially made to scare the beejeebees out of gun nuts everywhere. Projectors flicker images of headlines across the walls of pending legislation to control guns in different regions of the US. A special theater constantly shows films in which gun wielders are done-in by people, soldiers, mutants, monsters, space aliens, super heroes etc, who wipe them out with advanced technology or brute strength. For those with a survivalist bent, there are also films in which an environmental, interplanetary, viral etc. disaster wipes out mankind including themselves. This house is enough to leave even the meanest cowboy trembling in his boots.

Liberal Horror House - Horrors of a Republican-dominated government are the main theme of this scary house. Ronald Reagan-, Bob Dole- and Ann Coulter-disguised zombies roam the halls, terrorizing the Democratic pure-of-heart and munching on whatever brains they might have. The terror of hanging chads, redistricted neighborhoods, anti-abortion laws, and Scott Walker Presidential nominations are enough to give any Liberal nightmares. Especially horrifying, is Sean Hannity garbed as Dracula with a thirst for blue blood. FOX News provides the background soundbites.

Artist Horror House - The Hollywood threat of creating a whole slew of Britney Spears/Miley Cyrus drones to dominate the entire gamut of American media would dissolve even the strongest resolve of any true artist trying to gain a niche for themselves in the competitive world of commercial creativity. In this exceptional specialty House of Whores and Horrors is a devious machine on loan from Industrial Light and Magic (the same people who brought you the endless number of Boba Fett clones in the middle three Star Wars movies) that mass produces starlets/singers/whores of the Spears/Cyrus/Bieber/Madonna ilk. Disney is in line to be the next to rent the machine. The robotic drones are preset to do anything (ANYTHING!!!!) to keep the nation's attention on themselves and nothing else. They will sing, dance, act and, in moments of losing the audience's attention altogether, strip down to an appropriate level of nakedness, or commit a simulated act of depravity that will yank any wandering attention back to themselves.

Macho man Horror House - All the things that scare the hell out of the He-men, although they will never show or admit to it. The onslaught of Women's Lib, the unisex attitude, liberal policies, equal rights legislation, the spread of gay-ism, trans-genderism and a whole slew of other castrating social factors that have emasculated a huge segment of the American (and world's) male's prowess already. All men are feminized until the only 'real man' left in the world is The Rock.

Republicans Horror House - The laws are manipulated and Obama succeeds at getting a third term as President. Entire house is composed of 2008 campaign posters, speeches and videos, all supplied by the 'liberal media'.

Democrats Horror House - The laws are manipulated and Trump succeeds at getting another term as President. Entire house is composed of 2016 campaign posters, speeches and videos, all supplied by the 'Right Moral Majority'.

The Scariest American Horror House of All Time - Inside these walls, the NRA overturns all gun control laws and anyone can possess one no matter how old, young or crazy, and guns can have any magnitude of power and bullet count. The Far Right takes over the government, and we become a Corporate Dictatorship. All birth control is banned, and we become as overpopulated as China. The 1% and Yuppies take over the economy so much, that regular families and working people are forced to live in the streets and in the rubble of their homes, that were demolished to make golf courses and casinos, and eat the weeds that grow in razed lots of their neighbors who have died from starvation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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