Written by The Loony Liberal

Sunday, 14 October 2018

(special guest editor: Pac-Man)

Hello, everyone! My name is Pac-Man! I am a video game character created by Namco.

It's about this time that one of your fellow Male Players, Loony Liberal, has a problem. Several million players have decided that brains are optional. This is causing problems, because you use us to make people happy. That would be difficult to do if you decide to drink toilet water because walking to the refrigerator is too hard. And, apparently, you think that Namco can make games without land. Because, apparently, you have decided that winning an election is more important than having land within 20 years.

Sonic Team created a mad scientist named Dr. Eggman. They said he was a genius, and, apparently, using a baby seal as a battery for a robotic snail is what geniuses do. Because, apparently, Sonic Team has decided that common sense gets in the way of the good game.

But when Sonic Team isn't thinking of making new ways of making Arin Hanson scream for 20 minutes, Dr. Eggman is free to remember that geniuses get to use their brains, and that he says that using a raven to power a green orb that tries to kill a blue hedgehog that occasionally forgets how legs work by hovering in place is less insane than coming to the conclusion that it is better to kill the entire human race instead of to lose an election.

That kind of logic is worrisome! You can't make people happy when you're dead!

Namco is a company in Japan created to do two things: make people happy and make money.

Making people happy is awesome! People are beautiful when they smile! And who doesn't love to be happy?

And making money is okay, but not as important as making people happy. But it's a good thing when people can buy food, and fuels, and clothes, and books... because reading is a thing... and video games!

But some of you have decided that common sense is bad and have decided to yell at reality until it changes. It's not working, but it is giving Miles "Tails" Prower a splitting headache! When one has big ears and super-sensitive hearing, you have decided that yelling constantly is awesome... which it is not. So if you could please remember that it's okay to use brains and find a developer who can write a "painkiller pill," patch, that would be awesome!

And since many of you decided that turning off your brains is a good thing, you have forgotten many things. You have forgotten that laws exist, so you might want to start looking into that. You have forgotten that kindness is good, so you've decided to start poking each other at sticks, and some of you are considering dropping a large bomb because you believe that making Korea glow for 100 years will help you win an election.

But most importantly, you have completely forgotten everything about women. And that is a problem, because that is roughly half of you. And since I have a wife and a baby daughter, it would make me sad if you decided to make a video game that rewarded the player for hitting them with a tennis racket for 20 minutes.

So since instruction booklets are good, please consider this as an instruction booklet.

Let me show you a video, because YouTube is awesome!

Please fast-forward to 6:23, play until 7:12, and come back.

The beautiful young woman in the video my son's girlfriend, Lucy.

PROTIP 1: "Women are beautiful" is an absolute. Comparison of body parts and hair color is unimportant. A woman may be evil, but if you tell her that she is evil, she may decide to take your life. And when you live in a world where you only get one life and no continues, that might be a problem.

Yes. I have a family. Namco has decided that, since I have made them money, that they would give me a wife, a son, a daughter, a dog, pockets (in case ghost monsters attack when I'm not on a maze. And hey... trees that grow power pellets might be a good idea when putting Pac-Man in a city) and character development!

You may find this silly, but your companies decided that, since you have done a good job, they are going to fire you, replace you with someone else, and pay her or him less. Because, apparently, someone thinks that punishing success and employees that cannot buy food is smart.

And one day, I may have a daughter-in-law, Lucy!

Yes, it's great to have adventures by defeating the forces of evil by eating them.

P.S.: My wife wants to say that Frankenstein's monster was delicious. Monsters are far less scary when edible. Maybe someone should add power-pellet trees to the next horror movies. Evil monsters cannot kill you while you're digesting them. And when you turn them into biological waste, the only way they can kill you is if you eat it or are in a story where making biological waste sing and smear itself everywhere is awesome. Because, apparently, someone likes singing biological waste.

Back to Lucy.

"Pac-Man 2" is a sequel to "Pac-Man." Namco said to itself, "Making a game where characters eat each other made people happy and made lots of money. But for the sequel, let's try something different. Let's have the player cooperate with Pac-Man to perform kindness. We can throw in eating bad guys too, but a game where 'Please,' and 'Thank you' is more important than hurting people. And maybe we can squeeze in eating enemies."

Because, occasionally, too many of you decide that killing each other is far better than kindness. Since we need you alive to create games for us, we'd rather you make video games than kill each other.

In the scene I listed, I walk into Lucy's house... after she gave me permission to come in. This is important, because many of you decided that consent is obsolete

Lucy is sad. Some villain has broken into her house and moved her couch. This made her sad.

PROTIP 2: Making women sad is a bad thing. This cannot be stated enough. Some of you think that making women sad is a requirement. This would be a good time to use those brains of yours.

But that's okay! Because I think that helping people is better than eating them! And Longplays Land knows that using his brain helps win at video games! So between his direction, his slingshot, and my happiness, we will make her happy!

Some of you may think this is odd. But then, someone found a mentally ill person who likes to shout about a man who decides that 6 million Jews are firewood and a female Democrat who wanted to be President are exactly the same! And instead of giving him medicine to fix his brain, you forget that newspapers are supposed to have facts, post his yells in the newspaper, and throw bags of money at him so he continues to shout crazy things. Because, apparently, nonsense is more important than knowing where not to go to avoid being exploded.

The player makes me look at Lucy and the couch.

The player shoots the couch with the slingshot.

I have an epiphany.

I move the couch for her.

And then she smiles.

And then, things get even more awesome.

It turns out that Lucy likes to experiment with "Super Meters."

Many video games place characters in a world where the forces of evil attempt to kill the character for the crime of trying to get from point A to point B. And sometimes, they decide that they want to kill you so much, that they won't let the fact that being attack is supposed to kill them, or at least hurt them, get in the way of killing you.

Enter the "Super Meter." Apparently, "Super Meter" means "Warping Reality to Kill People is Smart."

In most games, the player fills the super meter with violence. When the super meter is full, the player then gets to kill the character's enemies by dropping a planet on the enemies' heads. Because where we see "world teeming with life and opportunity," you think, "Let's smash people on the head with it!"

Lucy thought that the concept of a "Super Meter" looked good on paper, but it needed some patches. So she tweaked it.

Lucy's "Super Meter" fills with kindness. And when it is filled completely, she'll look at a damaged building, and declare, "I shall transform this into a hospital that decides that curing people is more important than money! Because when the villain decides that people are one of the four major food groups, it might not be a good idea to fine the brave warrior who can use a flaming bullwhip who can convince the villain to try the baked potatoes instead. And if that won't work, then then villain can realize that it's hard to eat people after the hero has knocked the villain's head off with the flaming bullwhip."

Because a "Super Meter" is awesome, but a "Super Meter" combined with a brain creates MIRACLES!

And when LongPlays Land and I made her happy, it filled her "Super Meter" filled!

And then, she struck!

"Thank you very much, Pac-Man and LongPlays! Let me reward you with this video game!"

WOW!

Since I think kindness is awesome, and since LongPlays decided that playing a game about doing kind things was better than playing a game where an angry soldier decides -- that eternal damnation may be good punishment for murder, let's cut demons in half with a chainsaw just in case, because if one death is awesome, 50 deaths is better than heaven! --, both of us would be perfectly content with a "Thank you," and a smile.

But she decided that, just in case we decide that being good citizens is boring, we can play video games until our common sense returns as oppose to come to the conclusion that setting a dog on fire is hilarious.

Because many of you repeatedly forget that women have very large brains, and they think that using them at every waking moment is good practice. And they have even larger hearts, so maybe consider kindness instead of intense groping?

Video game creators have to make certain sacrifices in order to make gamers happy. Sitting in the hospital for 3 hours might make players unhappy, so although the concept of curing "A bird hit me for three times as much damage as a machine gun bullet" by eating a steak may sound ludicrous, I would like to point out two things:

  1. Many games decide to create wondrous, lavish levels, and then say, "If you don't get to the other side in 10 minutes, we'll kill you. Because killing the person trying to save us sounds brilliant."
  2. Back in 1980, some programmer decided that I find aliens delicious. May I suggest a stick of celery instead if you do a remake? You may think that it's fun to shove random things down my throat, but it's embarrassing when a swarm of bugs want their leader back and kindly request me to vomit profusely.

But some of you decide that concepts like kindness, compassion, selflessness, common sense, and soap, will prevent you from achieving eternal salvation. I haven't met Jesus, but I'm pretty sure he'll think you're awesome if you remember that deodorant and "thank you" are things.

You may think I'm harsh, but some of my co-workers and friends are now on Twitter.

Sonic likes to remind his creators that, yes, he does know how to use his brain. This is important. The programmers turned Tails into a genius who can use a landfill to create transforming robots, limousines, airplanes, and artificial gems that decide that, "Being fake is insulting to the recipient, so let's compensate by being a source of infinite energy!" And then, after 2006, they decided that making him completely useless was a better use of his intellect.

And, oh, look! Jesus! You may remember him as the man who told you that he'll make you happy forever as long as you try to be a good person. So many of you decided that... you know what will make him happy? MASS MURDER! Maybe he has some better idea.

And LoonyLiberal learned that when you insult a Disney villain, that you may end up in a situation where you owe a formal apology to a lion who thinks family members are expendable. Because, apparently, LoonyLiberal has decided that having "being devoured by hyenas" as a part of the everyday grind is awesome! But when the GOP decided that liberals don't deserve silly things like medicine unless they have an infinite supply of gold ingots, brains do silly things like decide that staying in bed for three days is a good idea. And when explosives qualify as an editorial rebuttal, maybe that's not so crazy.

But as silly as the video game multiverse may be, and as interesting as Twitter may be, we have to address this problem.

You have a political party, the GOP, that has decided: "You know what this country needs? INSANITY!"

Because, apparently, someone thought that it's a good idea to have no common sense when one has the ability to decide that Australia would be much better as a smoking hole in the ground.

So instead of silly things like votes and electoral colleges and competency, you've decided to turn selling your souls into the Olympics.

You will watch the video that linked and then proudly proclaim, "Oh, look! A woman! The first one who destroys her soul by crushing it with despair gets to make laws!"

Because, apparently, you were unable to make Yuki Terumi, a mad God who thinks snuff films are funnier than Weird Al Yankovic, your President. But a nincompoop who thinks bankruptcy is success and empathy is a weakness is not a bad alternative.

So since you think that women are fleshy punching bags, here are some of the things you'll do:

- "Hmmm... she was sad because someone moved her couch. What happens if we set it on fire and hit her over the head with it?"

- "I know! I'll write a fanfiction in which I decide that she doesn't deserve limbs, so I'll rip them off and beat her silly with them! This will have to suffice until I can legally videotape myself throwing my landlord out the window and post it on YouTube!"

- "You know what this scene needs? An octopus shoving tentacles in every one of her orifices! And then she'll fall in love with it! This will make a great comic!"

- "Let's rip off her clothes and jam things in and out of her orifices until we get bored. And then when she remembers that law is a thing, we'll insult her on global media and post her address of 4chan just to make sure she's too preoccupied to press charges!"

And then you let these fine intellectuals join an institution to formally declare that, from now until we remember what a brain is, women are hereby prohibited from wearing clothing.

Because, apparently, you saw the NRA, an organization that makes money by killing people, and decided, "Hey! Let's imitate that!"

So on behalf of, well, every video game character in creation... and the entire staff of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic," because some of you don't see any problem in shouting, "Hey! A horse that is kind to animals! Let's impregnate her!" in response to a children's show... we formally request that you stay on your side of the fourth wall.

If you decide to ignore that request, we will send you back to your planet by force. And just to be on the safe side, we'll send someone to transform your planet into an asteroid field, just to be on the safe side.

Because we will gladly walk up a mountain and change colors eratticly if it will let some wonderful chap like KoopaKungFu and DeceasedCrab turn it into an opportunity to make people laugh and... hey... P.S... maybe let's rethink that whole self-destruction thing! Because several wonderful people have said, "This video game is awesome! But do you know what would be better? I'll use it to make people laugh, establish a community, and point out that sometimes, a moral or a heartwarming moment is a better reward than a gun that vomits lava!" We love that stuff! Multiplication of making people happy!

However, we think that deciding that our genitals are now your personal junk drawers because you missed a jump by a pixel is a bridge too far.

Oh, and one last thing... many of you have decided that police officers get to kill people with different skin colors because the law stops applying when the accused thinks that civil rights are far more terrifying than aliens that like to jump into your mouth and then make your torso explode, because just shooting you is uninspired.

And that is troubling. Because there might be medicine for that, but apparently the GOP decides that a great way to get votes is to imply that science is so evil, that it is perfectly logical to see a scientist and think, "You know what he needs? More bullet holes!" Because apparently, murder is preferable to not barfing every five minutes.

But if you would like an alternative to hitting other people and acting offended when they say, "Ouch?" may I make a video game suggestion?

Undertale!

We won't drop spoilers. but we will say this.

The creators have the silly notion that, while "please" and "thank you," may not be as flashy as getting 15 billion points because you hit him with homing weasels, but there might be some instances where talking nets a better outcome than killing the other person by throwing a train at her or him.

So if you decide that it might be a good idea to make friends with something that is trying to kill you, you will be rewarded with phenomenal music, dialogue that will make you laugh and warm your heart, the concept that you can earn money in ways that don't involve blunt force trauma, and the confirmation that the main character is wonderful, but the player is proof that one does not need a single superpower, or even a single E-tank, to be a real-life hero?

Oh... and loads of spaghetti. In two flavors: original, and now new edible!

But if you decide that decency makes your head hurt, and that it's a better idea to murder everything that has the audacity to ask you to put away the blood-stained knife, then you'll be rewarded with 20 years of nightmares! Because the staff hasn't found a way to alert the police that there's a player who should be probably kept away from spoons in case the player decided that eating a person is better than ordering a pizza, but until then, it would probably be a good idea to make sure that the lunatic who thinks that wiping out entire civilizations to get imaginary award and a penguin that fires more penguins should probably be too tired to hold a knife, because a sleepy mass murderer is less of a threat.

I'll swing by every once in a while, because apparently, the GOP has decided, "Keeping our jobs would be nice, but just in case, let's whip up an angry mob that decides to throw liberals into wood chippers," is a splendid idea -- because the appropriate response to a political loss is a culling.

And that makes authors with surnames like "LoonyLiberal" realize that he's basically screaming to be murdered. So instead of doing silly things like going to work or typing instead of screaming into his pillow, he now gets to decide whether to invest his last $15 into pizza or life insurance. Because, apparently, torturing your representatives was considered the superior alternative to representing them. And life is scary when you can't deter psychopaths by splitting mountains in half.

May we request that, instead of embracing anarchy, you remind Sonic Team that Quality Assurance is awesome instead of a 4-letter-word?

I'll be going now. Some of you have decided that someone disagreeing with you is punishable by death. I'm going to go home to check up on my family in case one of you remembers that science makes murder easier.

Take care, and remember that I always keep three power pellets on me at all times. Because I'd rather be polite and eat dots, but I also believe that using a power pellet to eat you is a good response to you trying to make my baby girl explode. I'm a bit territorial like that.

Game on!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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