MENLO PARK, CA: Facebook CEO Vladimir Putin sternly rejected the possibility of Russian interference using Facebook.
Putin sighed, then explained, “You Americans – of which I am one, of course – love to spend every waking hour obsessed with fake news, zombies, and womens' sexuality. In Mother Russia, – which is the enemy of all who live, of course – the citizens are more concerned with how the women can best serve President Putin – who is my evil twin, separated from birth. Because of exposure to... let's say George Soros. Yes, let's go with that.”
Putin, the newly-elected mayor of Menlo Park, served in the KGB for at least 15 years. Putin claimed to have retired from the KGB on August 20, 1991, but this could not be verified.
“Fellow citizens of this American town – of which I am one, of course – I swear that, as your new mayor, I will get to the bottom of these spurious claims of Russian activity on Facebook. Oh... and I'll have some potholes filled, or give some of you bread, or a picture of a cat. Because you Americans – of which I am one – seem to love cats, especially when those pictures have indecipherable captions – which are hilarious to Americans like me,” Putin proclaimed.
Putin, the newly-elected governor of California, was president of Russia from 1996 to 1999. He then became one of the three First Deputy Prime Minsters, becoming active president in 1999 with the resignation of Boris Yeltsin. He retained the presidency until 2008, when he was barred from a third consecutive term by the Russian Constitution. He became the Prime Minister of Russia from 2008-2012. He regained presidency of Russia in 2012, a position he is scheduled to hold until 2024.
“Californian Americans, – of which I am one, of course – I have unearthed the true source of the Facebook interference,” Putin announced to his constituents. “The IP addresses were traced back to Disneyland. I have blackmailed – which is Italian for 'requested' – Donald Trump into declaring war on Disneyland. The invasion will begin tomorrow at 0800. We must be vigilant, and we must be united, for if we are not of one mind, then the Mouseketeers will triumph, and the Muppets will overtake your nation – which is mine, too, because I am an American.”
Putin, the newly-elected president of the United States of America, drew international pressure due to Russia's annexation of Crimea in 2014. Russia found itself in further controversy when Putin authorized Russian military intervention in the Syrian civil war, assisting the Syrian government.
In a press conference, Putin announced, “My fellow Americans – because I am an American – as your newly-elected president, I solemnly swear on this... little black book... which looks like some sort of fantasy science-fiction work...”
“It's the Bible, sir,” Sniper Wolf, the new head of the Secret Service, advised Putin.
“Yes, yes, the Bible – which I read every 20 minutes, because that is what Americans do. I swear on this Bible that I will defend your nation – which is mine, too, because I am an American – from threats both foreign and domestic, such as Russia, and the... icky parts of Iraq... and the... metric system... and women... who... accuse...”
Putin turned to Wolf and hissed, “What is this crap?”
“We hired Donald Trump's favorite speech writer, sir. Donald insisted that the speechwriter knew huge words, “Wolf explained.
Wolf then added, “HUGE.”
Putin hissed, “But I am declaring war on women who took pitsta to velosiped!
Do these silly Americans give nuclear codes to seks crimes survivors?”
“Sir, apparently, the Americans... enjoy... laughing at seks crimes survivors,” Wolf explained.
Putin rubbed his forehead.
Putin then hissed, “Release every last second of the pee tape, kick Donald Trump in podokonnik, and bring this 'Ylvis' to me. I want to know once and for all what fox say!”
Wolf nodded and dashed offstage.
Putin then addressed the crowd once more, stating, “Please pardon me... technical difficulties. Ligma disease. Sometimes makes brain make false claims, like all White people are White Supremacists. Such jokes. But I digress. Rest assured, Americans, that your enemies – which are my enemies, too, because I am an American – shall not invade your way of life. For when you are unable to get pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less, the terrorists win. And everyone knows that only Republicans are supposed to win.”
Putin added, “I joke, of course. Because you Americans – of which I am one – get your news from comedians like Trevor Noah, Samatha Bee, and... some cucumber that... sings about... water buffalos and cheese...”
Putin concluded, “Terror alert Pineapple Fizz! Liberals on internet spreading lies about climate change, Jesus, and... let's say... zombies. Because you Americans – of which I am one – love zombies. To your battle stations, Americans!”
Putin, an enormous, destructive prehistoric sea monster awakened and empowered by nuclear radiation, uses Russian media to promote a tough-guy image. Putin has been photographed flying military jets, practicing martial arts, riding horses, rafting, and fishing.
Laying waste to Tokyo, Putin announced, “Humans – of which I am not – I will continue to destroy your cities, your armies, and your pictures of cats with indecipherable captions – which I do not find amusing because I am a giant monster – until you surrender all of your nuclear weapons to Russia. Because Russia... let's say... turns nuclear energy into rainbows using... holy motornoye maslo of Jesus... dancing with... oh... let's say Bastet, because she's a cat, and you humans – of which I am not one – like cats.”
Putin, owner of the Infinity Gauntlet, has been rumored to have ties with Donald Trump, former President of the United States, former human, and current hyperfertile female golden terrier. There has been speculation that Putin had financial ties to Trump business deals, and there were unconfirmed rumors that Putin had blackmail material on him.
When questioned about Putin's ties to Trump business and Putin's meteoric rise to power, Trump pooped on the carpet, chased her tail, and humped the milkman's leg.
“Mortals,” Putin bellowed, his voice echoing throughout the universe. “I shall reshape this universe into a celebration of Russian Supremacy. You shall hear the names of great visionaries, and you shall worship them as your gods. Stalin. Lenin. Rasputin, Gorbachev. Sandiego.”
“Sandiego?” the Silver Surfer asked in confusion.
“Carmen Sandiego, you ignorant flea!” Putin hissed. “Is catchy song. You heard it, no? 'Well, she glides around the globe and she'll flimflam every nation. She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery. Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations...”
Putin pointed at the Silver Surfer, and the Infinity Gems shined brightly. Silver Surfer strained as he finished singing, “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?”
Putin rubbed his chin. “You were off-key,” he grumbled, Putin then snapped his fingers, transforming the Silver Surfer into a silver bowl of shiny porridge.
The Living Tribunal appeared out of nowhere, towering over Putin. The Living Tribunal announced, “VLADIMIR PUTIN, I HAVE COME TO JUDGE YOU IN THE NAME OF ALL LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE.”
Putin shifted nervously. “Even the Ukranians?” he squeaked.
“ESPECIALLY THE UKRANIANS,” the Living Tribunal answered.
Putin gulped. “Perhaps we could talk this over while looking at pictures of cats with indecipherable captions?” he begged.