Written by The Loony Liberal

Friday, 12 October 2018

WASHINGTON D.C. - Chaos erupted in the nation's capital as elite members of the Joketsuzoku splashed President Donald Trump, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh with Nyannichuan water from the cursed springs of Jusenkyo.

The Joketsuzoku, a tribe of female warriors embedded deep in the deepest mountainous regions of China, were rumored to have died off somewhere around 23 A.D. Their emergence, their aggressive action, and their inexplicable displays of power and reality-warping, have rendered the world baffled, mystified, and terrified.

Even less is known about Jusenkyo water. Jusenkyo was rumored to be a valley filled with hundreds of springs. Local villagers claim that a different animal drowned in each spring. Those who fall into the spring transform into the form of the animal that drowned there, though unconfirmed reports state that being splashed with hot water undoes the curse. Further notes indicate that this cure is temporary, as being splashed with cold water will trigger the curse again.

Trump, now in the body of a 16-year-old Chinese girl, angrily shouted, “Mobilize the Army! The Navy! The Air Force! The Marines! The A-Team! The Salvation Army! The Undertones! Arrest anyone that looks remotely like a woman! Except me! And look everywhere for Mr. Sprinkly!”

Akane Tendo, heir to the Tendo School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, stomped towards Trump, glowing with a menacing blue aura. Grabbing Trump by the tie, Tendo shouted, “RANMA! It's just like you to run away from my cooking, pick on P-chan, and make pee tapes with Russian hookers!”

Trump stammered, “But... but... but... but Justin Beiber, I can explain!”
Genma Saotome, master of the Saotome School of Anythiing-Goes Martial Arts, also grabbed Trump, shouting, “RANMA! How could you eat the last of the yakisoba bread and fail to disclose your tax returns!”

Soun Tendo, master of the Tendo School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, also grabbed Trump, crying hysterically! “RANMA!” Tendo wailed. “How could you embarrass the school by using your girl-form to get free ice cream and say that Nazis are fine, upstanding people?!?”

Nabiki Tendo, the second daughter of the Tendo family, sauntered towards the group and added, “I'll take care of your little Mueller problem for 750 billion yen, 'Ranma-kun,'” Tendo announced with a sly grin.

Kasumi Tendo, the eldest daughter of the Tendo family, idly mentioned, “Oh, my, Ranma. It isn't proper to ditch school and poke fun at sexual harassment victims.”

Trump stammered, “But... but the Democrats...”

Akane Tendo growled, “RANMA... NO... BAKA!” Tendo then hit Trump with an uppercut, sending her crashing through the roof of the capital building, where she vanished into the sky with a starry sparkle.

“Now that he had coming, “Senator Elizabeth Warren dryly commented.

Meanwhile, in the chambers of the Supreme Court of the United States of America, Kavanaugh was unsuccessfully trying to convince her fellow justices to arrest anyone who even looked like a woman. Except her.

Fighting the urge to roll on the floor and laugh uncontrollably, Judge Ruth Vader Ginsburg remarked, “I'm sorry, young lady, but there's no precedence for using magic to change someone's gender. Besides, if you didn't want to be turned into a woman, you shouldn't have worn a black robe. Because everyone knows that the Joketsuzoku have the uncontrollable and completely understandable urge to change a man's gender when he's wearing a black robe.”

Ginsburg then proceed to double over and laugh herself silly.
Kavanaugh opened her mouth to protest, but she was interrupted when Tatewaki Kuno, acting head of the Kuno family, embraced Kavanaugh from behind, grabbing her breasts. “Pigtailed girl! At last I have found you!” Kuno shouted.

Kavanaugh tried in vain to break free of Kuno's hold. “You can't do this to me! I'm a Republican!” she screamed.

“Oh, pigtailed girl, there is no need to be shy!” Kuno proclaimed. “I know that you speak in code to outsmart the fiendish sorcerer Ranma Saotome. Your mouth may say strange things like 'Get lost, Kuno-sempai!', 'I don't have time for this!', and 'Conception starts in 1574, and abortion doctors should be spanked with statues of Larry the Cable Guy!' But I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School-”

A bolt of blue lightning struck Judge Neil Gorusch, covering him with black soot as he fell, face-first, into the ground. Gorusch's arms were extended, making the “I Love You” hand gesture.

“-will date thee!” Kuno finished.

Regaining her composure, Ginsburg cleared her throat and announced, “Justice Kavanaugh, you have nothing to fear.”

Kuno and Kavanaugh turned to Gisnburg.

Ginsburg concluded, “For same-sex marriage is now legal in the United States!”

Ginsburg then proceeded to roll around the floor and laugh herself silly.

Kuno smiled and proclaimed, “That didn't make any sense, but since she was a judge, that was an official marriage ceremony! And I will now kiss the bride!”
Kuno dipped Kavanuagh down and kissed her passionately. Kavanaugh vomited, cried, and ran out of the chamber.

“Ah, pigtailed girl,” Kuno sighed. “You were so happy to wed me, you couldn't wait for us to share our first meal together!” Kuno then leapt out of the courtroom, hot in Kavanaugh's pursuit.”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor sighed, “Well, it looks like we have another vacancy.”
Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., asked, “But who will we get to fill it?”

“How about Merrick Garland?” Justice Elena Kagan asked.
Chief Justice Clarence Thomas shouted, “There's no way in Hell that that will happen!”

A bolt of blue lighting struck Thomas.

Thomas, covered in soot and twitching uncontrollably, muttered... “Then again... I'm willing... to entertain... oral arguments... from God...”

In the Senate chamber, McConnell conferred with Senate Deputy John Cornyn and House Speaker Paul Ryan.

“This looks bad,” McConnell said, adjusting her breasts. “But we must not lose focus of what is truly important, gentlemen.”

Cornyn and Ryan nodded.

“The first thing we must do...” McConnell added.

Cornyn and Ryan nodded again.

“...is blame the Clintons," McConnell concluded.

The lower jaws of Cornyn and Ryan hit the floor.

After the Republican politicians adjusted their jaws, Cornyn stammered, “But sir... ma'am... all of you! Don't you want to be a man again?”

McConnell growled, “I will not give Obama the privilege of knowing that I was helped in any way, shape, or form, by Obamacare! Now, I want you to call Sean Hannity and-”

Ryoga Hibiki, a wandering martial artist possessing phenomenal physical strength, swung his umbrella at McConnell, shouting, “Ranma Saotome! Prepare to die!”

McConnell, Cornyn, and Ryan scattered, as Hibiki's attack missed the GOP congressmen and congresswoman.

“See?” McConnell shouted. “I told everyone that the Democrats were violent and unhinged!”

Hibiki turned to McConnell. “Ranma, you coward! How dare you run out on our duel, make fun of Akane, and focus on making Obama a one-term president instead of representing the citizens of Kentucky!”

McConnell cleared her throat. “How dare you, you filthy liberal!” McConnell stated. “I did not make fun of Ak... Ak...”
McConnell paused.

“What kind of name is Akane?” McConnell mused. “Why can't this... Akane... have a normal name, like 'Nancy Reagan?'”

Hibiki blinked in confusion, a large drop of sweat appearing on the back of his head for a fraction of a second, then disappearing just as suddenly.

Ryan opened his mouth to speak. However, Mousse, a male member of the Joketsuzoku, hugged Ryan from behind and shouted, “Shampoo!”

Ryan struggled and shouted, “I'm not buying you groceries! You can get a job!”

Mousse blinked in confusion. Then, his glasses fell down into correct position.

Mousse let go of Ryan and looked at him. “You're not Shampoo...” Mousse mused.

Ryan shouted, “Don't they teach you anything in France?”

“You're... some sort of... weasel-human hybrid...” Mousse continued.

Ryan growled and shouted, “I don't have to take that! I'm going to put you in your place!”

Mousee chuckled and adopted a martial arts stance. “Interesting,” he said.

“What style of combat do you practice?”

Ryan answered, “The kind where I call Fox News, tell them that France is sending illegal aliens to have gay marriages with GOP officials, and then we declare war on France! We'll be greeted as liberators!”

Mousse shouted, “THAT'S CRAZY! You're supposed to beat each other up like normal people!”

“That's what you think, Frenchie!” Ryan countered. “The only time violence is allowed is when the attacker is a cop and the target is a Black person doing something suspicious like buying candy, crossing the street, or looking at White people!”

Hibki and Mousse turned to each other.

“Are we in Hell?” Hibiki asked.

“Seems like it,” Mousse sighed.

Hibiki fell to his knees and shouted, “Ranma Saotome, this is all your fault!”

Ryan shouted, “You crazy Frenchies! You're supposed to blame Democrats!”

Mousse looked towards the ceiling and muttered, “Kuno... I owe you an apology. You are no longer the dumbest person I know.”

Cornyn muttered, “Does this all mean that I'm President now?”

And in Nerima, Japan, Ranma Saotome, heir to the Saotome School of

Anything Goes Martial Arts, watched the chaos unfold on a televison screen while the vigilante group, The Nerima Daikon Brothers, ran away from what looked like a human-headed pig shouting, “Come back here with my panties!”

Focused on the television, Saotome muttered, “Wow. Just wow. And I thought my life was weird. American sitcoms are unbelievable.”

Saotome turned the TV off and grumbled, “Really... who writes this crap?”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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