Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

image for You Too Can Be a Heterosexual, Bisexual, Homosexual, Pansexual, Quintessexual Lesbian. I told them I'm a lesbian, now they want to ride my moustache. Result.

Life used to be so simple when I was growing up. Male, female, heterosexual - that was it, as far as I knew. Then I began work in the NHS, where my youthful good looks attracted more than just student nurses, but that's another story, although I did resolutely resist the attentions of lecherous male colleagues with "alternative" lifestyles.

These days, who knows what anybody is? So, I have rebranded myself as a heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, quintessexual lesbian. It seems to cover all options, and opens up lots of opportunities, although, between you and me, I'm not letting any hairy-arsed bloke near me. "How about a hairy-arsed woman?", you ask. That's different, and not to be sniffed at, although I probably would sniff her.

Continued on page 94

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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