Written by Michael Sienicki

Friday, 28 September 2018

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

“Don’t compare yourself to others, it’s not a competition.” For years, these words were considered by many to be a foundation to a better life. However, in a recent nationwide poll, it would appear that we were wrong. Many leading wellness experts have come forward to confirm that not only will comparing yourself to others better your quality of life, but it will also decrease your need for social interaction, which is where most of your problems come from anyway.

We spoke to Terry Biltmore, a Phoenix resident and wellness expert, about the findings. “I’m excited about the poll. I’ve always told my clients that the best thing they can do for their well-being is to judge others without mercy,” he said. “For example, I was having coffee with a client who was self-conscious about her weight. So I said, ‘look around, what do you see?’ You know what she said? She said she saw the sun shining, and the leaves dancing in the wind. I told her that was her problem; while she was taking in the beautiful day, she was clearly missing the fat tub of shit that was sitting at the table next to us.”

We asked Terry to elaborate more on his point. “I’m glad you asked,” he told us, “she was also a bit confused. So I told her, ‘just look at that woman. She’s a hideous beast, she looks like she ate one of her children for breakfast and had the family dog for seconds’. When my client asked me what I was trying to say, I simply told her, ‘at least you don’t look like that thing’. I wish you could have seen her eyes, it was like the veil had been lifted, she couldn’t stop crying.”

When asked if the process could be applied to other situations beyond weight-loss, Terry gave us another fascinating insight regarding a different client. “I once had a younger gentleman who was battling a substance abuse problem. I took him for a walk around my neighborhood and asked him, ‘look around, what do you see?’ He told me that he saw children playing, and sober couples walking romantically in a nearby park. I told him he couldn’t be more wrong, because just down the alleyway, a homeless vagrant was choking on another man’s penis for drug money. My client tried to turn away, but I made him look. ‘Have you choked on another man’s penis in broad daylight for drug money?’ I asked him. He told me he hadn’t, so I told him to buck up, things weren’t so bad.”

Terry concluded with this: “You see? It’s universal. As long as you’re not doing as bad as the next guy, then it reduces the stress you feel by a drastic margin. So whenever you feel you’re in a slump, just ask yourself, ‘look around, what do I see?’, and unload your insecurities on the nearest person doing worse than you are.”

For anyone who needs help or just wants to work on themselves, Terry is not only available in the Phoenix area, but is also online for anyone that could use his assistance. Check out his Youtube channel, which is filled with self-help nuggets of wisdom, or drop by his website at www.lookaroundwhatdoyousee.com.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story



Go to top
56 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more