Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

Don Wilson, announcer: It's a fine spring day as we join Jack and his guest, Phil Harris, at Jack's home in Beverly Hills.

Phil: Excuse me, Jackson, I'm headin' home, but first to the bathroom.

[Footsteps as Phil walks away.]

Jack: That reminds me. Oh, Rochester.

Rochester, [from another room]: Yes, Mr. Benny?

Jack: Rochester, get the Maxwell ready. We're going to the bank when Phil leaves.

Rochester: We were at the bank yesterday, Boss.

Jack: I know, but Phil's trip to the bathroom reminded me that I forgot to deposit all those quarters from the coin lock on my bathroom door. You get the car and I'll go down to the vault and get the coins.

Rochester: Yes, Mr, Benny.

Phil: Jackson, I can't get into the bathroom. The gift card you gave me for Christmas doesn't work anymore.

Jack: You didn't read the small print. It expired March first. You'll have to use coins.

[Dull sound of fake coins dropping into a slot... More coins drop.]

Phil: They don't work either and I've got to go to the bathroom.

Jack: Those are slugs. I can tell from the sound. And you can't use them anymore since I got the new coin lock. Use real quarters.

[Happy sound of real quarters dropping. Door opens and closes.]

Jack: Now to the vault.

[Footsteps echoing through a chamber. Knock on door.]

Ed, [the guard]: Who goes there?

Jack: It's me, Ed. I've come for the coins.

[Cacophony of sounds - whistles, sirens, horns - and dropping of chains, ending with long sound of unbolting the door. Squeaky door opens.]

Jack: Hello, Ed.

Ed: Hello, Mr. Benny. You were just here yesterday. I usually only see you every two or three months.

Jack: Yes, but I forgot to take all those coins to deposit at the bank. I'll do it today.

Ed: Mr. Benny, there's a barrel full of quarters. Thousands of them. You'll need a dolly to move them.

Jack: If you will push them up out of the vault to the main floor, Rochester can get them into the Maxwell.

Ed: Okay, Mr. Benny. Here we go.

[Sound of wheels rolling on pavement, all the whistles and sirens go off again as door closes, lots of grunts from Ed, wheel sounds stop.]

Ed: Here we are, Mr. Benny. Before I go back to the vault, I have one question. Is the war over?

Jack, with surprise in his voice: Yes, Ed, the war is over.

Ed: Was Teddy able to hold San Juan hill?

Jack, dismayed; Yes, Ed, and we got all of Cuba, You better go back to the vault, now.

Ed: Yes, sir.

Jack: Rochester, see if you can wrestle this barrel into the back seat, then we're off to the bank, Phil can find his way out of the bathroom... if he's got another quarter.

[Music indicating car driving to bank.]

Jack: Park here in front of the bank, Rochester. and put the barrel on the dolly, I can manage it myself from here.

Rochester: Mr. Benny, this is a five minute parking zone and you've got all those coins to count.

Jack: Don't worry, Rochester, this will only take a minute. I've already made out the deposit slip.

Rochester; Yes, Mr. Benny. I'll open the bank door for you.

[Sound of little wheels on pavement, door opening and closing, footsteps echoing inside bank.]

Mary Livingstone, [surprised]: JACK! What a surprise.

Jack: Hello, Mary. Just making a deposit.

Mary: Looks like your toilet's overflowing.

Jack: Have to supplement my meager income somehow. This will be quick, Mary. Wait with me, and Rochester and I will give you a ride home,

Teller: May I help you Mr, Benny? You were just here yesterday,

Jack: I have a deposit to make. All these quarters.

Teller: They are wrapped, aren't they? Five dollars to a wrapper?

Jack: No, they're loose. Don't you have a counting machine?

Teller: It's not working today. And, even though you're a good customer, we can't take time to count them by hand.

Jack, [greatly perplexed]: Oh, my!

[At that point the bank manager approaches.]

Bank Manager: May I help you, Mr. Benny? Our counting machine is working again and we can have this counted in a minute.

Jack: I know how much the empty barrel weighs and deducted that from the full weight. Calculating the weight of a quarter, I estimate it's worth $2000.

Bank Manager; Let you know shortly. [Sound of wheels as the barrel is rolled away.]

[The bank robber approaches.]

Robber, [pointing gun at Teller and Jack]: Give me all your money.

Teller, [handing over money]: This is all I have.

Robber, [turning to Jack]: You, too, buddy. Your money or your Wife!

[Jack, [hesitating, then as an aside]: I think you misread the script. Don't you mean "Your money or your Life?"

Robber: No, I know who you are and what a miser you are. Let's see how far you'll go when the chick's at stake. Your money or your wife.

[Long pause.]

Mary, [loudly]: JACK!

[Jack hesitates even longer.]

Robber: I said your money or your wife, Which is it?

[Still another pause.]

Jack: I'm thinking.

Mary: JACK!

Bank Manager, [returning, unaware a robbery is in progress]: Here, Mr. Benny, is a thousand dollars. You overestimated the value in the barrel because half the coins were worthless slugs.

Jack: Wow! Phil sure must have quite a bathroom problem.

Robber: I'll take your thousand.

Jack, [alarmed]: Wait a minute. You said "Your money or your wife," I haven't decided yet, I came here to deposit that thousand.

Robber: And your depositing it with me. Want a receipt?

Jack: Let's be reasonable about this. You want my thousand dollars. I want to deposit it. Q E D, I deposit the thousand, then you take it from the teller. You still get the money, but my money's in the bank when you take it so I don't lose anything. I've already made out the deposit slip. The teller just has to fill in the amount, give me a receipt and you're on your way.

Robber, [perplexed]; I don't know...

Bank Manager: Mr. Benny, I don't think that's fair to the bank.

Robber: Give him his receipt. I want to get out of here.

Teller: Here's your receipt, Mr. Benny. And here's your thousand, Mr. Robber.

Robber: Great! I'm gone.

[Footsteps of Robber running.]

Teller: He won't get far. I alerted the police when he first pulled that gun.

[Police whistles sound from outside, noise of a scuffle.]

Cop, [voice from a distance]: It's over, folks. Okay, brother, into the squad car.

Rochester, [entering bank]: Mr. Benny, are you okay? You took so long the cop showed up to give me a ticket for over parking. He caught the guy with all that money. But what are we going to do with this barrel half full of slugs?

Jack: Yes, Rochester, I'm okay, The slugs? Maybe we can sell them back to Phil. And [pensively, to himself] I only got a thousand dollars. Rochester, see if you can find a coin lock that takes TWO quarters to get in... or out.

[Fade out music.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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