Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 16 August 2018

image for Petty Criminal? Bearing a Grudge? No Luck With the Ladies? Loser? Why Not Join Isis? Gorgeous women are flocking to serve our men

Paid content on behalf of Isis Recruitment Services, bomb crater, Syrian Desert.

We know how you feel. You've done time in prison for shoplifting or burglary. You hate your job stacking shelves in Lidl or counting chicken nuggets. You've been thrown out of college for failing your accountancy exam. You're an incel, girls don't want to know you and Pornhub is your only outlet. You spend too much time writing low scoring acerbic articles for The Spoof.

Let's face it, you're a total loser.

But it doesn't have to be this way. We have opportunities for you.

Isis is an international missionary organisation of God fearing people wishing to spread the word of the prophet, may he rest in peace, to unbelievers, infidels or kaffirs as we like to call them. We are mainly based in Syria, Somalia under the name Al-Shabaab and Nigeria where we are known as Boko Haram. We are also in Iraq and newly operational in Afghanistan, where we seem to be at odds with all sides.

Successful applicants should be resentful, simple minded sheep with psychopathic tendencies, have nothing to lose, be prepared to become stateless and hunted down by western intelligence services, be willing to die in a drone attack for a lost cause, but most of all you should have no understanding of the true teachings of Islam.

Just remember one thing, you should never refer to us as daesh which is accusing us to be bigots, which we most definitely aren't. Should you do so inadvertently we'll cut out your tongue as a warning just to make sure you don't do it again.

What are the rewards? You get a natty uniform of a black nightshirt, diarrhoea proof trousers for when you're under attack and headscarf, food now and again if we have it and all the candles you can use in your hovel when you are not under artillery bombardment. We'll find you a wife, even if we have to kidnap her, and when we give you a day off from the front line she'll reluctantly give you all the sex you need while praying for your demise. When you do pop your clogs, you'll be waited on hand and foot by celestial virgins, if we can find any. Of course, what you do with those girls is up to you. Wink!

Daesh, sorry, Isis is an equal opportunities employee offering positions to people of all races and genders, as long as you are not LGBT, which is an abomination in the eyes of Allah. We offer diversity training as part of your induction.

Come and join us.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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