Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 2 July 2018

Boris Johnson aged 54 and 1/2, despite all common sense, has somehow risen to become Foreign Secretary in Her Majesty's Government under the premiership of Theresa May and today faces questions from readers of The Spoof.

What is this Brexit thingy all about? (A. Leaver, Sunderland)
To tell the truth, I haven't a clue. I had a bet with George Osborne as to who could do the most damage to the British economy. He chose to give all his mates a big tax cut and to take it out on the poor and vulnerable while I thought it would be fun to join in this Vote Leave malarkey. Spiffing wheeze, eh? It's going quite well at the moment and I think I'll win that bottle of Bolly.

When were you happiest? (A. Merkel, Berlin)
Oh, that's easy. I was at my happiest when I was knobbing Petronella Wyatt in an office affair while working at The Spectator. She's a real piece of top totty, eh? That is until she got pregnant and my wife found out and divorced me. Then Michael Howard sacked me for lying about it, so it's not all bad.

I'm an admirer of yours and I particularly remember your references to piccaninnies with water melon smiles, although you did on one occasion call me a madman, but I forgive you. How do you manage to work with that wizened old vicar's daughter prime minister of yours? Why don't you get in a younger, more attractive woman? (D. Trump, Washington)
Oh, Mr. President, let me kiss your bountiful derriere and let me say how much I am looking forward to your visit in July. I can guarantee that we will be keeping the leftie arsewipes under control to ensure your safety and dignity will not be damaged in any way by the embarrassment of a democratic protest against your policies. As to the attractiveness of our PM, well it's a case of joint cabinet responsibility I'm afraid. We all stick together in tough times, apart from when we don't, and as soon as I can I'll depose her and get some top class crumpet as ministers. Trust me on that.

What are we to understand by the term you used "fuck business"? You know bugger all about business and you seem to be doing your best to fuck us in the Brexit negotiations. When did you ever employ any people and run a business? You can't even read a balance sheet, you prat. (Lord A. Sugar, Wapping)
Oh, Lord Sugar, let me offer you the hand of friendship and reconciliation. I need to explain. My words were taken out of context. (Aren't they always? Ed.) I was approached and told that Airbus had warned about the impact of this Brexit lark. I was caught off guard and what I actually said was "Oh! Fuck! Business? What has it got to do with them?"

How often do you have sex? (Mrs. M. Johnson, London)
Not as often as I used to since I became a cabinet member. Damned Special Branch always keeping an eye on me makes it hard to slope off for a quick dalliance and unleashing of the old todger. Hold on, is this question from my wife?

You've had a lot of success in politics, Boris Island Airport, Boris Bikes, Boris' Brexit Bus, Joanna Lumley's Garden Bridge. What motivates you to carry on? (S. Khan, London)
I know, it's amazing isn't it? I suppose it's my sense of social responsibility and altruism which keeps me going. Of course I will insist that that bridge has its name changed and it will be a rip roaring success when it's finished and the corporate sponsors are keeping the riff raff away from it. What do you mean, you've cancelled it?

Eddie Mair did a verbal hatchet job on you in an interview some years ago. He branded you as a liar, a cheat and someone willing to assist a friend in perpetrating an act of violence. Why didn't you punch him? (J. Paxman, fly fishing somewhere)
Oh, Eddie Mair. That bastard. I was expecting a nice friendly chat then he started coming out with facts about me. Facts! Can you believe it? God, I hate facts. I suppose it stems from my time as a journo when I lived by the adage of "don't let facts come between you and a good story". Otherwise I wouldn't have won that referendum thing. Anyway, I sorted him out and got him mugged in the street a while ago.

Ian Hislop says it's not true that you are an intelligent man pretending to be an idiot. What do you think of that and did it take a lot of effort to become such a dick? (Paul Merton, London)
Hislop, eh? I remember him from Oxford when I was a fresher. He shoved my head down the bogs at a Bullingdon booze up. I have no idea what he's talking about there but indeed I have worked hard to become what I am today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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