Written by Jaggedone

Friday, 15 June 2018

image for Dia veinte / Dag twintig / The Nutters Beach Club present resident Nutter and, poet laureate, Sir Francis Charlton, reciting top ten footy nonsensical quips as pissed as Paul Gascoigne ever was!! Is that Gazza? Fuck me, NO! It's that other piss artist Rooney!!

Here he is Sir Francis and his deaf, dumb, and blind parrot perched on his left shoulder, called Erskine! (Is that plagiarism?)

Numero 1) The ball is round (well that's fucking rocket science!)

Numero 2) Football is a game of two halves, a first and a second! (Infamous quote from David Moyes hoping the fans wouldn't fall asleep after 45 minutes of his dire kick and rush footy)

Numero 3) It's a level playing field for both teams (Not when you've got Messi, Ronaldo or Neymar in your team it aint!)

Numero 4) Every negative has a positive! (Johann Cruyff infamous quote after smoking 45 ciggies at half time!)

Numero 5) The seagulls will always follow my boat! ( King Cantona explaining why he kicked the crap out of a crap Crystal Palace supporter! BTW KIng Cantona has a private golden throne in our bog)

Numero 6) Rule Brittania, Brittania rules the waves! (English footy fans living in cloud cuckoo land since 1966 when a Russian ref took a baksheesh from the FA)

Numero 7) The hand of God / Mark 1 ( Mad Midget Maradona playing the wrong sport!)

Numero 8) The hand of God / Mark 2 (Thierry Henry doesn't believe in Leprechauns either!)

Numero 9) The wrong shaped ball (Cauliflower-ed ear Rugby players kicking the crap out of each other while footy players dive like feathers in the wind)

Numero 10) It's only 11 against 11 (Bullshit, not when you are playing Real Madrid or Barcelona, it seems like you're fighting the fucking Spanish army!)

Well that brought the house down last night and even Volga Olga stood up naked, dried out boobs drooping and, painted in "I love Putin" logos, left and right!!

Adios amigos locos, tot morgen verrukten!

Gazza, el muy grande LOCO et honorary member of the Nutters Bach Club! (Well that's a classic too!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
73 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more