Saudi Princes, Putin, and an ageing Boyband singer, AAAAGH! Well ladies and gents on great demand we have the tournament to end all tournaments, and we don't need ISIS Arabs, corrupt Africans or Kim Jong's permission!
We have all exclusive perennial, big-time global losers here, and the only Russian winner present, is 'blow job' Gold Medal Winner, Volga Olga!
Yes the Dutch, Scottish, Welsh, and Italians, among others, have begged us to save their boring summer by hosting an event to compete with McDonalds, Coca Cola, Nike, Adidas, and all other multi-billion sponsors in Russia!
We at the Nutters Beach Club are proudly announcing the Beach Soccer Tournament of the century solely for LOSERS!
Italian legend, Gianluigi Buffon, will open the tournament by kicking the shit out of tattooed Dutch freak, Memphis Depay, and other eternal losers, Scotland, led by a kilted Rod Stewart, singing, "I am sailing away from Bonny Scotland because I can't pay my taxes," will also open the ceremony. A Welsh choir will sing a Ryan Giggs lament, "Oh why the fuck Boyo did I not choose England?!"
Then the Grand Losers Tournament will begin and, Eric Cantona, Mon Dieu, has promised to kung fu kick any player touching Cheer Leaders bottoms before he does!
Sir Alex Ferguson has declined to manage the Scottish loser team because he's a winner, so 'Grande Loser, David Moyes,' has taken over!
The Dutch losers, believing they should win any tournament because their egos are bigger than their tiny, flat country, are happy the Krauts are not there because they always win and now believe they can at last win something, just like England, because Germany are where they belong, not England, and certainly not the double Dutch, Gottverdommen!
So Nutters Beach Club footy fans, sit back and enjoy the real World Cup Beach Bonanza and, not that FAKE thing in Ukraine! (Oops, sorry, they couldn't host it this time, too busy running away from Putin's bombs!
Adios Amigos Locos, Hasta mañana!