STEP #1) COMPOSE A COVER LETTER THAT DISPLAYS YOUR INTEREST IN THE POSITION AS WELL AS YOUR PROFESSIONALISM. (Also, do not forget to show all due respect to the Management Office that does the hiring.)
I was wiping my ass with a piece of newspaper last night, and I saw that your company currently has a position available for a “Certified Technical Programming Assistant Engineer / Coordinator of Special Events.” Before I flushed the paper down the toilet, I also saw that the position has a starting wage of 9 dollars per hour. Upon realizing that those wages will most certainly cover the cost of living these days, I figured that I should send in my resume.
I don’t want to submit myself to an exhausting, agonizing, soul-crushing, dead-end, meaningless, pointless job full of excessive demands and pressure, but I really need some money because I was fired from my last job as an assembly line worker.
A co-worker of mine said something so incredibly stupid that I completely lost my faith in humanity and then tried to commit suicide by jumping into a fast moving and extremely powerful conveyor belt.
My attempt to take my own life failed miserably, so I basically just walked out of the factory, went to a local tavern, and drank until I fell down on the floor. Before I did that, however, I pulled my pants down in front of the human resources office and then peed in the break-room refrigerator.
I’m not really sure what this position requires, but I’m willing to give it a shot. My wife is also pregnant with our 5th child. She is currently in jail for assaulting a police officer, and we have nothing left to eat at home except for some expired cornflakes and a ball of cabbage that is turning brown. In other words, it’s time for me to get off my ass and find a job.
If you could just call me for an interview and not give me any shit, that would be great!
STEP #2) CLEARLY STATE YOUR OBJECTIVE (Employers like to see that you have a specific goal in mind as well as a definite reason for entering the new position.)
My goal is to successfully and substantially utilize my own personal qualities in order to outwardly project an internalized sense of profound realism with the utmost hope that my potential leadership abilities will be sensitively perceived as non-judgmental yet highly affirmative as numerous, pre-determined courses of action are set in place. I also wish to cast off any and all forms of habitual dubiousness while fully embracing unique and inspirational sources of continuously non-regressive expansion.
(Be specific! Let them know exactly where you stand.)
STEP #3) GIVE A PERSONAL EXAMPLE OF YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS (Communication Skills are very essential when working with people.)
I was in a bar one night, and I was extremely drunk. My mind began spinning out of control, and my stomach hurt because I had only been consuming alcohol and tobacco for the previous 48 hours instead of food.
I had fully intended on saying the words, “Hey Bartender!” but a gigantic stream of beer-induced puke flew out of my mouth instead.
The puke initially blasted out of my face in a linear fashion that reached about 5 feet in mid-air before it took an obtuse (non-45% angle) downward towards its destiny all over the hardwood floor. I cleaned all of it up with a dirty rag and then went home feeling loads of embarrassment and shame.
(Other than that, I do have good communication skills, and I am good at working with people.)
STEP #4) DO NOT DESCRIBE YOUR PREVIOUS WORK EXPERIENCE. JUST ASK THEM QUESTIONS INSTEAD.
1) “When do I get paid?”
2) “Are there any cute girls currently employed there?”
3) “Will I be notified if there is a drug test?”
4) “What’s your policy on alcohol abuse and domestic violence?”
5) “Has anybody ever been fired for drawing pretty pictures with colored pencils during a non-scheduled break?”
6) “Does the Company do a background check?”
7) “I get a little bit paranoid sometimes, and I start talking to invisible people. Will my supervisor have a problem with that?”
8) “How exactly do you define disorderly conduct?” (Law enforcement agents have their own definition, but I’m curious about how the Company defines it.)
STEP #5) DISCUSS YOUR EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND
I went to grade school at “St. Tommy’s Privileged School for the Cognitively Impaired” where I earned an “A+” for learning how to smile upside down as well as write my name backwards in cursive. I was doing pretty well, but then I was kicked out and sent to a special home because I peed in somebody’s face.
I also made it through 2 years of High School at “St. Lincoln,” where I earned many distinguishing marks for being the most well-behaved inmate.
STEP #6) PROVIDE A LIST OF REFERENCES IF YOU CAN
This part may be difficult because Correctional Officers never display their first names on their blue shirts, and their phone numbers are hard to find. Just provide the Company with the address of the Institution (or institutions) that you spent several years in as well as your previous DOC number.
Inmate #347291 thought you were pretty cool, but he may not be a very good reference. (Also, don’t describe the good times you had together before the night shift officers did their final evening rounds. The Company you wish to work for doesn’t need to hear about that.)
STEP #7) TALK ABOUT YOUR MOST FAVORITE BOOK
“Jesus Loves You, and that’s why He doesn’t want to leave you in this condition…”
(You probably don’t remember the author’s name, but if you can provide the Institution-assigned number of the book as well as the last name of the social worker who referred you to it, that may be helpful.)
STEP #8) BE PATIENT AND WAIT BY THE PHONE
With all of the details you’ve provided to the Management Office that does the hiring, you should be receiving a phone call rather shortly.