Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Company Description and Position Title

Welcome to Universal Log! We are a nation-wide furniture production company that utilizes superior lumber in order to create quality household items. We use only the strongest wood to produce things such as chairs, tables, dressers, desks, foot-stools, window frames, work benches, handrails, fence posts, cupboards, doors, frisbees, light-bulbs, scissors, oven racks, bed sheets, teddy bears, and baseball caps.

We are currently looking for a “Technical Language Utilization and Communications Specialist.” In other words, we need someone to answer the phone.

Company Background

Here at Universal Log, we push really hard in order to get our best material out. It can be a Tough Job! Sometimes we have to push and push (and maybe even squeeze just a little bit) so that something of quality will eventually come out. We don't want our material to be soft or to contain a lot of cracks and crevices…otherwise it might snap in half.

Despite our best efforts, there are simply days when nothing comes out at all. However, we always come back strong and try even harder the next day. When everything becomes regular and we start pushing out solid material again, we breathe a sigh of relief, we wipe our previous frustrations away, and we wave good-bye to the heavy, misshapen chunks of regrind mix as they swirl around and break apart in our disposal machine.

We are proud to say that we have been successfully operational without any breakdowns or extended layoff periods for the past 3 weeks.

Previous Experience / Knowledge Required

Because we always push for good results here at Universal Log, we generally have high expectations of our work crew.

As a Universal Log Employee, you must:

A) Be able to recite at least half of the Alphabet (forward, not backward);

B) Count to really high numbers such as 12 or maybe even 37;

C) Have passed, attended, or at least thought about attending grade school (if you didn't pass or attend grade school, but saw a picture of a school once…that counts also);

D) Understand that big, sharp, fast-moving objects can hurt you if you play with them;

E) Realize that extremely loud noises accompanied by substantially high flames tend to mean that something bad has just happened;

and

F) Have the intellectual capacity to understand and comprehend the meaning of the words “OH MY GOD! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!” when someone is screaming them at you.

Duties and Responsibilities

As our “Technical Language Utilization and Communications Specialist,” you will be responsible for answering our phones and communicating with our local customers as well as our Affiliates in Bangladesh and the North Pole.

In addition to this, we need you to:

A) Properly insource our output while outsourcing our input;

B) Maintain data files on employees who disappear in our factory during working hours;

C) Use knowledge of Astronomy while maintaining continual awareness of the position of the Constellations on the third Sunday of every month in order to determine which part of the globe contains new sources of lumber that have been isolated from human activity for the past 40 to 75 years;

D) Utilize a Ouija Board in order to successfully communicate with spirits if knowledge of Astronomy inaccurately reveals potential sources of new lumber;

and

E) Be prepared to give us some of your household furniture if all else fails.

Conduct

We sincerely hope that if hired, you will conduct yourself properly and in a professional manner while here at Universal Log. This means no crying or taking your clothes off.

We had problems with the last two people. The male employee we hired didn't even answer the phone. He just stared at the floor looking really sad. We thought he had recently broken up with some girl named Sara because he would start weeping intensely whenever the 1980's song, “Sara,” by the band, Starship, played on the radio.

But we don't really understand why because we eventually found out that his previous girlfriend's name was Bob.

The female employee we hired after that was worse. She did her job, but she was also seducing our male employees whenever she wasn't on the phone. We found her on the floor of her office one day having “a really good time” with two of her male co-workers. A third one was wearing her bra on his head while taking pictures.

We don't support this type of behavior on our company grounds. (That includes our parking lot as well.)

Working Conditions

Our working conditions are safe. Just make sure you wear a hard hat in the office at all times, keep ear-plugs in your nostrils between the hours of 9:00 to 11:00 am, close all windows and get underneath your desk in the “duck-and-cover” position facing northward for at least 27 and a half minutes after 1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time during the month of May…and scream if anything out of the ordinary happens.

Attendance Policy

Whether your interview is successful or not, we expect you to be on time. Unsuccessful interviews are no excuse for being late!

If you happen to be absent, tardy, or simply absent-minded with a predisposition for tardiness, then you must report to the Records Supervisor in the Archives Building.

To get to the Archives Building, you must exit the Shipping and Receiving Department and walk northeast for 5 minutes. When the sign that says “DO NOT ENTER” is exactly 17 inches behind you, turn westward and walk for another 3 minutes. When you reach the small red bicycle that has one wheel missing, get on it and ride at a speed of 5km/hour for exactly 18 minutes heading south. You will eventually see a mid-sized board on the ground. (Pick it up, and keep it with you.) Now, begin running diagonally northward as fast as you can for 7 minutes, and then turn around. This will put you at the front door of the Archives Building. Crawl in on your hands and knees and give the board to the Records Supervisor so that he can spank you with it before he records your tardiness.

Breaks

Everyone is allowed exactly 3 breaks that should last no longer than 4 minutes. During this time, feel free to enjoy our selections from the vending machine. We advise you, however, to avoid the Chocolate-Covered Meatball and Jalapeno-Flavored Turkey Sub. The last employee who ate one was found crying in the toilet stall while uttering the words, “Why won't it stop?”

He was given medical treatment, and he seemed fine. Later in the day, however, he bent over to pick up a wrench and blew his asshole out. Liquid feces sprayed out of his anus in two different directions before numerous other clumps rolled out and fell on the floor. One stream ricocheted off a nearby wall and went directly into his supervisor's mouth. The supervisor then got sick and threw up all over the employee's face. Completely covered in shit and puke, the two men got into a fight and ended up beating each-other to death with rubber mallets.

Be careful when making selections from the vending machine.

Benefits

Unfortunately, we don't offer medical or dental benefits. We also don't have a retirement plan because the majority of our employees only stay with us for about 2-3 hours. However, we are happy to announce that our plant locations in Northern Wisconsin and Minnesota host an annual, outdoor picnic every January.

Get your family and friends together, and come and join us as we serve cheesy hot dogs, fermented cabbage-flavored rice cakes, and gluten-free, cinnamon-sprinkled tofu. There should be more than enough for everyone.

We are sad to say that we had a rather unfortunate incident occur at our company picnic last year. One of our employees, Richard, was having a great time drinking beer and grilling hot dogs for everyone when he suddenly went cross-eyed and started speaking Latin before laughing hideously and shoving a bunch of charcoal up his ass. After that, he set himself on fire and ran around screaming at the top of his lungs until his face exploded all over the members of the sales department who were sitting at a nearby picnic table.

We certainly hope nothing like that happens again this year.

Disclaimer Statement

The information provided in this job application does not represent the personal, political, or economic views of the members of our Corporate Headquarters, the Constitution of the United States, the Bill of Rights, or the secret code of “The Order of the Knights Templar.” The job duties described both within and without of this application…whether externally or internally implied or communicated…may or may not be extrapolated to determine the efficacious results of a substantial lawsuit that is directly or indirectly focused in a formal or informal manner toward any members or affiliates, involved or uninvolved, who would be potentially withdrawn by a conflict of professional or unprofessional interest should such circumstances occur.

To Apply

To apply for this position, please send us your resume, a picture of your face from 7 years ago, and the names and contact information of at least three people who do not fully appreciate your personality.

Or you can simply email our Human Resources Assistant, Ms. Egesta Hardstool, with a list of your favorite songs, personal hobbies, and animals that you consider to be really cute and pretty.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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