Written by Wesley Janson

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

#1) Make sure that you have a basic understanding of grammar

Solid and effective writing does not necessarily require a highly advanced and extremely technical understanding of grammar. Just make sure that you know how to properly use the basics such as:

A) Epiphoras;
B) Logosglyphs;
C) Neologisms;
D) Simple, Intermediate, and Advanced Palindromes;
E) Vocative Cases;
F) Onomatopoeias;
G) Anaphoras;
H) Colloquialisms;
I) Squinting, Restrictive, Limiting, and Dangling Modifiers;
J) Tautology; (and, of course….)
K) Zeugmas.

Keep it simple. If your grammar becomes too complicated, the reader may lose interest (or even worse) begin to perceive that you are an Asshole who is making a rather sad attempt at being humorous.

#2) Use your natural talent for grammar and creativity to describe your life experiences

Good writing is truly a unique combination of natural talent and depth. Legendary writers do a lot of soul searching as they use their own personal experiences to construct magnificent and timeless works of literature that are admired by mass numbers of people.

With your natural talent for grammar, your creativity, and your experiences in life, you should have no problem describing poopy diapers, cardboard boxes, your favorite sports team, shopping at the mall, your frustrations with your job, which co-worker you disagree with the most, some of your favorite songs, your deeply profound and fascinating view of politics, your constant aggravation over the phone bills you have to pay every month, and a fish that you caught while you were drunk on a boat one weekend.

#3) Avoid companionship or intimacy with a romantic partner

Love is unnecessary. It will consume all of your time, and it will keep you from using your energy to construct all of those beautiful sentences that you are capable of creating. Try to stay away from love, romance, and contact with people in general. Maintain as much isolation as you can on a daily basis.

You may feel lonely at times, but do not even think about searching for love. Searching for love is like fighting in a World War 1 trench. (It’s very dangerous and traumatic; individuals often rush forward with no clear objective; pain and suffering are involved; nothing gets accomplished; and lots of people die.)

When somebody does finally come along who is actually intrigued by you, the person usually ends up being a stalker. Let’s face it! Somebody would have to be mentally ill to find you interesting in the first place.

It’s probably best that you just completely give up on love and romance. Love and romance are a distraction from good riting. (Excuse me, “writing.”)

#4) Proper writing requires time, effort, and commitment; therefore, you will need to quit your job and live off of ramen noodles and beans

Ramen noodles and beans actually have enough nutritional value to keep you alive for a while after you quit your job and completely ignore your financial situation. You may even be able to find some old dog food in your neighbor’s garbage can.

It might seem like a rather bold and irrational thing to do, but writing takes valuable time and effort that are often wasted by having a job, paying bills, maintaining responsibilities, and being a functional member of society. You’re going to have to give all of these things up if you want to become a great writer.

#5) Remain calm when you get writer's block

Writer’s block is like constipation. Something will eventually come out, and it will probably be Shit!

Now that you’ve quit your job, you have a limited amount of time before you get evicted from your apartment and forced to live out on the streets where you will probably starve to death in an extremely painful manner.

But that’s no reason to panic or get upset when you get writer’s block. Just remain calm, eat the last can of peas and carrots that you have in your cupboard, and get back to your writer’s desk when you come up with some ideas.

Unless, of course, you had to sell the desk for money.

#6) Always observe your surroundings for potential sources of inspiration

You may not realize it, but daily life actually provides many exciting and fascinating sources of inspiration that can be successfully utilized by a creative writer.

For example, I was sitting at a picnic table across from a very gorgeous blonde last weekend. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend, and she was feeling very lonely. She told me that she was willing to have extremely wild, untamed, passionate sex with the first guy who would just take a few moments to pay attention to her, but I didn’t catch anything she said after that because I suddenly noticed that there was a really large, light-green, crescent-shaped booger stuck at the end of the picnic table.

The woman eventually left with some random guy who walked up and said “Hi” to her, but I stayed at the picnic table and stared at the booger for another 45 minutes. I’ve noticed that most crescent-shaped boogers are slimy and that they usually have a wet, little ball on the end of them, but this one was fully hardened and crusty. All evidence indicated that this particular booger had been picked out of somebody’s nostril much earlier in the day.

The booger was so intensely light-green that I wondered if it would glow in the dark, so I took it home with me in order to find out. And sure enough, it did!

I was indeed very fortunate that day. I had been suffering “writer’s block” for the past few weeks, but I was finally able to find something to write about.

#7) Let your alcoholism get completely out of control

You probably fell apart as a person a long time ago, and it’s very likely that you already have an alcohol problem. But that’s no reason why you shouldn’t let it get even worse. Alcoholics have done some of the best writing in all of history. Never give up on yourself!

If you have any money left after the last package of ramen noodles in your barren cupboard has been consumed, then use it to buy some Vodka or perhaps even a bottle of Everclear.

Drink the entire bottle, and then unleash your creativity.

#8) Read books for inspiration

If you become stuck in the writing process, then you should read books for inspiration. Reading a good book can help you come up with ideas of your own, but you should only read books that you can personally relate to. Here are some books that may help you:

A) “How To Stop Being Yourself On A Daily Basis So That Other People Can Tolerate You”….by O.V.R. Whelming.

B) “Where Has My Soul Gone, And Will God Help Me Find It Again?”….(author unknown. The book is in the ‘Non-Denominational Self-Help’ section of the library at your nearest correctional facility.)

C) “I Got A Tattoo When I Was Younger, But Now That I’m Older And Have A Different View Of Life, I Can’t Get It Off!”….by N.M.S. Regrets.

D) “I’ve Used Sexuality To Entice And Manipulate Men My Entire Life, But Now I’m Actually Tired Of Doing That, And I Want To Be Alone!”….by B.G. Knockers.

E) “Moments Of Happiness Come And Go Quickly, But Severe Bouts Of Extremely Horrible, Crippling Depression Usually Last Much Longer”….by I.M. Downtrodden.

F) “What To Do When You Have A Hydrocele”….by Dr. Rod Cockland.

and…

G) “Why Don’t I Have Friends Anymore? 10 Things You Should Probably Understand About Having Manic-Depressive Disorder”….by Dr. Ithrow Fits.

#9) Do not become distracted from your work

You are a writer, and your job is to write constantly with no breaks whatsoever. If some guy is bleeding to death on the street while begging for medical attention because one of his eyeballs is hanging out of his head, just throw something at him so he will shut-up.

Don’t let anyone distract you from your thoughts!

#10) Submit your writing to a professional source

After following all of this advice and going through the extremely difficult, mentally strenuous, and highly arduous task of writing and constructing all three paragraphs of your masterpiece, you need to find a professional source that is willing to accept and publish it so that others can finally admire how much of a genius you are.

In other words, put it on your next Facebook Post.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Topics: Writing
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