Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 10 June 2018

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We would like to take a special moment at this time to recognize and fully appreciate our Most Valuable Player of the Year, Mr. Dick Holder. Dick has served as our Third-Shift Desk Clerk here at the “Cramalot Hotel” for the past 59 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 33 minutes, and 17.81 seconds. He was hired by our human resources assistant, Mr. Longfellow Cumstein.

Superior Customer Service

The “Cramalot Hotel” is conveniently located next to an extremely tall bluff full of sharp rocks, boulders, and massive tree logs in an area that experiences heavy rainfall and severe flooding every single month. Several years ago, someone was also brutally murdered with an ax in the basement of our hotel. The killer was never found.

As a result of these attractive features, we often have to accommodate a rather large number of guests on weekends as well as throughout the week. We are proud to say that our highly-trained desk clerks and hotel staff are always ready to provide superior customer service.

Our Selection

Dick has been chosen as our most talented and hardest working employee. As a part-time, Third-Shift Desk Clerk in a hotel that averages about 2-3 people who check in per night between the hours of 11:00 pm to 7:00 am, Dick Holder truly has his hands full.

Despite the overwhelming and hairy nature of his many nighttime duties, Dick never withdraws from his responsibilities, and he never pulls out of special projects that need to be completed. If a new challenge opens up and presents itself, he fully inserts himself into the situation. He faces every obstacle “head-on” while carefully pacing himself, and he basically “stays in there” and “keeps going at it” until the problem is fixed or until he feels “release” after giving his hardest effort.

A Little Bit About Dick

Dick is a somewhat lonely 23-year old who hopes to attend college someday. He likes to eat blueberry muffins at night while watching infomercials for bun-and-thigh rollers, he plays with toy trains when nobody else is around, and he thoroughly enjoys the smell of mildew in old books that ordinary people would never read.

At one point in time, he was extremely attracted to a young woman named Suzanne Rodpuller. Innocently and passionately, he used to send her love letters, but Suzanne never answered back. She eventually told him to “Go to Hell” before claiming that she was simply not impressed with men who work as "part-time" hotel desk clerks. She was looking for someone who could provide a more stable future, and she further explained that she was only interested in men who work as "full-time" hotel desk clerks. (Needless to say, Dick was absolutely devastated.)

Despite the heartbreak he has been through, he still pushes forward with throbbing desire and hopes to one day attain a college degree in Philosophy so that he can eventually use his educational background to work at a gas station or perhaps even a grocery store.

The Christmas Party

Here at the “Cramalot Hotel,” we understand that Dick Holder is lonely and that he needs company, so we invited him to our Employee Christmas Party last December. Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves in quite a jolly mood as the festivities unfolded.

With happiness and activity all around him, Dick simply hung around looking sad and depressed.

When a cute girl came up to talk to him, he became overly excited and pooped in his pants. We had to drive him back home and calm him down after that while repeatedly telling him that things would be OK in the morning.

The New Year's Eve Party

After the Christmas Party, we decided to drive by and grab a hold of Dick once again for the Employee New Year's Eve Party. We felt that he was a little bit naïve when it came to members of the opposite sex, and we wanted to try to help him understand a few things, so we showed him some pornographic images.

He was immediately befuddled, and he kept asking why the woman in the picture would get down on her knees without her shirt on while trying to eat a hot dog that was attached to a man's body.

When we showed him the next picture, he asked why the hot dog was peeing all over the woman's face. Then he became cognitively confused and started walking around in circles while repeatedly claiming that he has undeniable self-efficacy issues that prevent him from fully understanding man's dynamic and unfolding role in a Universe that is defined by heresy, random chance, and spontaneously irreversible truculence.

We decided not to invite him to our Employee Valentine's Day Party.

Recent Unfortunate Incidents

Things can sometimes get a little bit rough around here at the “Cramalot Hotel.” Dick was doing his simple third shift security check one night on the second floor when a female powerlifter named Svorg Dangleshaft opened up her door and pulled him in unexpectedly.

She forced him to drink Vodka for several hours while showing him really boring pictures of places she had visited on the North-Western Coast of the United States.

When the night reached its darkest hour, she told him that he looked funny, and then she started slapping him around.

After that, she pushed his face into a pillow and started beating him with a gigantic dildo as she watched poorly-made movies on the Science Fiction Channel.

This incident left Dick feeling slightly traumatized, small, and crumpled up. In order to ease his pain, we included a 5-dollar bonus on his last paycheck and a referral to local therapist, Ms. Hydrocele.

Ms. Hydrocele has done lots of long, hard, and extensive research in the realms of psychology and victim rehabilitation, so she had no problem straightening Dick out again.

Always a Helping Hand

As we mentioned before, Dick Holder is a real “hands-on” person. We are honoring him with this award because he truly stands out as an employee. Although he often gets treated poorly and yanked around by people, we admire the fact that he is still always willing to lend a hand. “Hey, do you need a hand?“… Dick Holder often asks others.

Dick frequently gets pulled into some rather slippery tasks because he is so helpful, but he always rises to the occasion. Last week, one of our housekeeping ladies was having trouble opening a bottle of highly-pressurized cleaning fluid. The lid was simply on too tight, and she thought that if Dick got his hands on it and played with it for a while, then maybe he could get it off for her.

Dick grabbed the bottle and gave it his best effort. Unfortunately, neither of them realized that the bottle had recently been dropped and that the contents were even more pressurized.

A small amount of liquid spurted out with the first squeeze. After putting more of his wrist into it, a little bit more came out and dribbled down the sides. But finally, after switching hands and using all of his strength, a big load shot out and splattered all over the housekeeper's face. Dick felt ashamed of himself for causing all that fluid to spray around, so he kindly offered to clean a few hotel rooms for her.

Further Therapy

After cleaning one of the rooms, Dick saw a giant spider sitting in front of the doorway. Instead of stepping over it or trying to kill it, Dick peed his pants and threw up all over himself. He turned around and prayed that the spider would just go away. But when he looked again, it was still there. After peeing his pants and throwing up a second time, Dick became limp and fainted. He was on the floor when we found him, and the spider was on top of his face laying eggs.

Dick was wiped off, taken to the emergency room, and then sent back to Ms. Hydrocele for further therapy.

“Dick, you need to stop getting jerked around! Stick up for yourself, and don't let other people put you in tight spots anymore!“… she told him. “In other words, grow some balls and quit being such a Pussy!”

Ms. Hydrocele eventually became angry. She got the impression that Dick was being anal and that he was not fully considering her advice, so she forced him to watch hours of extremely boring therapy sessions that she had videotaped in Graduate School.

When the tapes were finished, she slammed his head down on her desk and then proceeded to beat him silly with a gigantic, glow-in-the-dark, floppy, purple dildo that she had recently purchased online.

Congratulations to Our Most Valuable Player

Here at the “Cramalot Hotel,” we understand that life has many “ups” and “downs” as well as many “ins” and “outs.” But we assure you that our prized Desk Clerk, Dick Holder, has a solid and lengthy work history at our hotel, and that he would be more than happy to sign you into your room with his really big pencil.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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