Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 9 June 2018

It always happens when you least expect it. You've gone through most of your life thinking that nothing really bad will ever happen to you, and you've never bothered to ask yourself the question, “What if?”

Every time you saw a disaster or some type of horrible tragedy on television, you simply thought, “Hey, that will never happen to me.”

Like everybody else, you assume that most problems have solutions, that life is generally OK, and that you will always be safe.

And then it happens. You drive to work one morning, you hang your coat in the break area, you begin your normal everyday routine, and
CORPORATE COMES TO VISIT!

Whether you're an office worker, an assembly line operator, a maintenance supervisor, or a mechanic, corporate visits are a possibility at any given moment in time.

Most people panic, throw a massive fit, and get all worked up when the members of a corporate team come to inspect their work environment because they are simply not prepared.

By following some of these simple rules and guidelines, however, it is possible that you will survive the next Corporate visit.

#1) BE PROFESSIONAL

When I say “be professional,” I actually mean “hide in the restroom and pretend to take a shit for 6 hours.” Stay in there until they finally leave. It should be relatively safe in the restroom stall unless one of the corporate members comes in there to wash his or her hands.

If that happens, then quickly punch a hole in one of the tiles above the stall and then climb up into the ceiling in order to escape.

#2) HIDE IN THE BASEMENT

If all the restrooms are full, then hopefully your workplace has a basement. Try to locate it as fast as you can so that you can hide in there until it's all over.

Find a dark corner somewhere, and get into the “duck and cover” position with your hands over your head. It is highly unlikely that the members of the corporate team will inspect the basement, and there is a good chance that they will never find you if the corner you have chosen is really dirty and disgusting.

It may be unpleasant to hide in a corner full of spiders, dead bats, and rat poop, but this is the best way to ensure your own survival. (If the corporate visit lasts for a really long time, you may have to live off of your own feces and entertain yourself by playing with the numerous cobwebs that decorate your current surroundings.)

#3) CALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS IF YOU CAN

If you have fully determined that escape is not possible, then find a phone so that you can call your family and friends. Calmly and quietly tell them that Corporate has come to visit your workplace, and let them know that this may be the last time they get to talk to you.

#4) SAY YOUR PRAYERS

Now that Corporate has come to inspect your work environment, you should probably say your prayers. You don't know if you will survive or not. At any given moment, you may be cornered by one or more of them. It is a good possibility that you will be meeting God very soon, so you should probably start talking to Him.

Apologize for all of the bad things you've done in life, such as:

A) Cheating on some of your college exams;

B) Making love to your roommate's sister and then refusing to raise the twins that she gave birth to;

C) Stepping on a catheter that was coming out of your best friend's body while he was in the hospital, and then laughing about it;

D) Reading books about highly advanced gardening techniques while touching yourself;

and…

E) Voting every time a presidential election came around.

#5) RESORT TO DESPERATE MEASURES IF NEEDED

Sometimes you have to be realistic about your situation. If you have a “mandatory” meeting scheduled with one of them, then the odds of surviving are very slim. If this is the case, then it's OK to resort to desperate measures.

Just go into the break-room, eat one of the deli subs from the vending machine, and wash it down with some chocolate milk. You will most likely end up in the morgue after doing this, but there is a slight chance that rescue workers will pull you out of the building and rush you to the Emergency Room before the corporate inspection team gets to you.

You will be in critical condition for a while, but at least you gave yourself a second chance at life.

#6) DISGUISE YOURSELF AS ONE OF THEM

If you are an intelligent person who has actually prepared for this sort of thing, then you may be able to disguise yourself as one of them in order to escape.

Take off your normal work clothes, put on an over-priced business suit and some glasses, and walk around looking at everything with a constipated expression on your face while taking notes. Do this until you reach one of the main exits, and then run for your life. Jump into your vehicle as fast as you can, drive away, and never look back!

When you get home, take some time to calm down and control your breathing. Escaping a dangerous situation is never easy on a person's nerves, and you need to take precautions so that you do not hyperventilate and then faint.

Once you feel calm and relaxed enough, get on your laptop or your smart phone, and begin looking for other jobs.

#7) USE SOMEBODY ELSE AS A HUMAN SHIELD

It may sound rather selfish to use another person in order to save your own life, but you will do it if you ever want to see the light of day again.

Grab one of the nearby office workers and keep him or her in front of you as you dash through the main area of the building. This way, the other person will take the massive and unholy bombardment of questions that the members of the corporate team want to ask. (You wouldn't have been able to answer any of these questions anyway, so try not to feel guilty.)

After the poor office worker is exhausted (or dead) from taking the main brunt of all the corporate questions and answering them as best as possible, simply drop the person's limp body on the floor and then jump through the nearest window so that you can reach safety.

Once you find yourself out of the building and completely out of range of any further corporate questioning, go to the nearest hospital so that they can remove the broken shards of glass that are stuck in your body.

#8) FIGHT BACK

You went to three different community colleges over a period of seven and a half years in order to get where you are today. You've simply come too far in life to give up now. Instead of running for your life, you might decide to fight back. There are ways to take them down!

If the corporate team begins heading in your direction, get on the loudspeaker and say, “I'm not completely sure that I feel 100% enthusiastic about the Company's goals this year.”

Saying this actually causes them to become extremely confused and walk into each other. A few of them may even fall down on the floor and pass away after hearing these words.

(The last time I was trapped in the corner by a member of corporate, I said the words, “I'm currently searching for employment opportunities with companies that are more productive.” After I said that, the corporate visitor went cross-eyed for a few moments right before his face exploded.)

#9) DO NOT BEG FOR MERCY

Getting down on your knees and begging for mercy does not work. If you try doing that, you will simply be assailed with questions and criticisms pertaining to the daily operation of the facility in accordance with corporate standards before they walk over your lifeless body and proceed to the next person.

#10) NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY AT ANY MEMBERS OF THE CORPORATE TEAM

It's hard to say whether or not you will be able to escape once the corporate team has arrived. Sometimes they come unannounced, which gives you very little time to formulate a proper survival plan. If you have to remain in the building once they arrive, then always remember this one key rule: NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY AT A CORPORATE VISITOR!

Members of Corporate are not completely human, and looking directly at one of them could cause blindness, paralysis, or life-long nightmares.

Worse yet, if one of them looks directly at you, it could result in death.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: corporate
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