Written by Tim Neill

Monday, 28 May 2018

'Mr Trump? President Putin will see you now.'

'Great, great! This is gonna be beautiful, so beautiful! But hey, guys - you checked this place for those little tiny cameras, hidden mikes, Polonium 210, crazy stuff like that?'

'Yessir, Mr President!'

'Fabulous, just fabulous. Told you we could trust Putin didn't I? Didn't I?'

'Yessir, you did, just before TapeGate.'

'Hey, hey Pompeo - we don't ever, ever talk about the tape, right? Even though it never existed, just false reporting, bad stuff, fake news.'

'We can go through now sir ... this is President Putin's suite.'

'Ah Vlad! Vladdy! How ya doin?'

'I am well but please, please sit here, by large red rose in vase. Good, that perfect position.'

'Here OK?

'Yes. Now, Mr President, I welcome you to great Russian country, we make visit big success for both nations.'

'Well thanks Vlad - told 'em we'd get on! But hey, I nearly forgot, I brought a little gift for you, a present from the Trump organisation that my sons run between 9.30 and 4.15, Monday to Friday, and from the American people too. Well, from some of them. Hey guys - bring it in!'

'What is gift? Is big something on wheels?'

'There you go Vlad - just pull those little blue strings and bingo - what d'ya think?'

'It is statue. Of you.'

'Yeah! Great isn't it? Solid gold, 24 carat, weighs in at 43 pounds. Maybe you could keep it on your desk, right over there?'

'Maybe. But I have also for you something, small present. You must know your birthday is being today? Here.'

'Well thank you Vlad ... you've wrapped this kinda well, just get this ribbon off ... Oh, these are beautiful, just beautiful - little white kiddies' gloves! Gonna have to wait for some grandchildren though!'

'They are for you.'

'Oh, right, OK.'

'I have other gift for you, is special gift.'

'Exciting, Vlad! Boy, do I love birthdays! Let's see what's in this box ... lots of packing ... and it's a … video cassette, a VHS tape! Piece of history here Vlad, haven't used these in the States for twenty years!'

'VHS good technology, work well in low light.'

'OK, so what is it Vlad - History of the Bolshoi? Love those chicks in tight leotards, or maybe those Red Army guys leaping about?'

'No, is special bedtime tape for, how you like say, birthday boy?'

'Hmmm. Pompeo - take five will ya? Need a few minutes alone with the President.'

'Now Vlad, VLAD! This isn't the tape, I mean THE tape is it?'

'It is tape of 2013 when you-'

'Yeah, yeah I know what's on it but Jesus, Vlad, I thought you'd burnt it after I gave you my wife's yacht and Florida?'

'This insurance copy.'

'So that's it - no other copies – anywhere?’

'Just one, I give copy to Assad to look after. For safety.'

'Oh Jesus!'

'But is possible for him giving back if we make deal. He promise not make copy and I believe him. He good man, very trustworthy.'

'OK, OK, what do you want in return for the tape?'

'Ukraine.'

'You want Ukraine! But, I only bought it - I mean, my sons bought it - last Tuesday. Absolutely not! Final word, no one messes with Donald J Trump!' Hey, hold on - who are you calling?'

'Kristina Petruska? Good - make call now to Carl Bernstein in New York.'

'Hey, now hold on Vlad! Tell you what I'll do - I'll give you Ukraine for the tape but-'

'And hotels, four big hotels like in New York, but on Ukraine.'

'What?'

'Four hotels. And Latvia. I want also Latvia.'

'Oh Jesus, Putin! Latvia took me six years to get hold of and - hey, put the phone down! OK, OK you got it, but on one condition.'

'What is condition?'

'OK, here’s the deal - I give you Ukraine with two hotels-'

'Four.'

'... four hotels and Latvia, and you give me the ONLY copy anywhere of that tape plus Miss Universe 2013 for 2 weeks.'

'Deal.’

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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