Written by Tim Neill

Sunday, 27 May 2018

“Hello? Is that Boots the Builders?"

“Bob speakin.”

“It’s Jeremy here.”

“Jeremy?”

“Jeremy Hunt … from Bedsyde Manor? You put a new bolt on our garden gate last week for £18,000?”

“Ah yeah, Mr ‘Unt. I remember the job. Very awkward that, very nasty. I ‘ad to send Roman down the ‘ardware for longer screws. You callin’ about the price?”

“Oh no, not at all, I thought it was very fair. Not like some of the cowboys around. One has to be so very careful these days.”

“Phew, that’s a relief guv’nor – we always try to be competitive!”

“Now Bob, the reason I’m calling is that a 24 carat tap in one of our East wing suites has developed a drip.”

“Oh dear Mr ‘Unt, that’s serious.”

“Yes, well, my nephew Streynsham said he could fix it for £1.65 with a rubber washer from B&Q but I told him, it’s a job for the professionals.”

“Absolutely Mr ‘Unt. We’d need a Grade 1 listed washer – very difficult to get yer ‘ands on – special gold tap spanners and extra kitchen roll to mop up wiv.”

“I see. Quite a challenge then?”

“Not ‘arf sir, let’s see … tools, parts, ‘alf an hour’s labour ... let’s say twenty three grand, all in? Cash, that is.”

“Good man, sounds very reasonable. I thought it was going to be more!”

“I could fit it in tomorrow morning Mr ‘Unt, on my way down the airport.”

“Thank you, that would be splendid.”

“My pleasure.”

“Off to somewhere nice? Magaluf perhaps?”

“And the rest guv’nor! Nah, we’ve bought a little place all of our own, near that Richard Branston. ‘Sucker Island’ we call it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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