Saturday, 14 April 2018

Hello, I’m Dick Gravy and welcome to It’s a Funny Old War, where two veterans compete to see who knows the most about the War. You know, the Second World War?

Let’s meet our contestants. Contestant number 1 is Geoff from Harrow.

Geoff: Hello.

Dick: It must have been very harrowing for you during the war.

Geoff: Yes, it was.

Dick: Hilarious! Now your question is: what was Prime Minister Winston Churchill’s surname?

Geoff: Seriously? It was Churchill.

Dick: Correct. Now to meet our next contestant, Stacey from Dagenham.

Stacey: Hello!

Dick: That’s a nice rack you have. Let’s hope you can rack up the facts for our questions.

Stacey: Yeah, whatever.

Dick: Lovely Stacey. Your question is, which division was the first over the Russian border in Operation Barbarossa.

Stacey: I don’t know. The fifth?

Dick: Wrong, the answer was all of them. It was a combined invasion on multiple fronts.

Stacey: Oh.

Dick: Now Geoff, you’re one step closer to the prize. But can you tell me, which boot-shaped Italian country is the only nation to have fought on both sides in both world wars?

Geoff: Italy?

Dick: Correct. Now Stacey has some catching up to do. Maybe she’ll manage it with this question. What was Adolf Hitler’s shoe size in 1941?

Stacey: Erm..nine?

Dick: I will accept UK or European sizes, but anyway you’re wrong. It was a size 39, which in the UK is a size 6. Oh what tiny feet! Such tiny feet! And of course in 1942 he had his feet replaced with hooves. Now Geoff, you are only two questions away from the prize. So, which number is designated as the number of the Second World War, and often is placed next to the prefix ‘WW’ to describe the conflict?

Geoff: Two.

Dick: Correct, and hooray to you Geoff. You’ve nearly won our star prize, a bottle of vodka. But Stacey must answer this correctly. Stacey, to the nearest thousand, how many tonnes of Allied shipping was sunk in June 1940?

Stacey: Erm.. ten thousand tonnes.

Dick: Sorry Tracey, the actual answer was three hundred and two thousand. Now, Geoff, you only have to answer this final question to win the game. Geoff, define war?

Geoff: Oh, the state of conflict between two or more nations, usually defined by battles between armies of those nations.

Dick: That’s close enough, Geoff. You’ve as good as won the prize unless Stacey can steal it with her answer. Stacey, describe how humanity can prevent any future wars.

Stacey: Erm.. by being careful. By reducing international aggression. Through the UN?

Dick: Wrong. The answer is to destroy all humans. I would also have accepted genocide as an answer. So this week’s winner is: Geoff! Congratulations and enjoy your bottle of vodka.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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