Written by Backandtotheleft

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Over here at Back and to the Left news we are very, very busy people so bust in fact we can’t always come up with our own ideas for articles. So we take ideas from others. It’s not stealing as such more a re-appropriation of concepts from less talented writers and giving said ideas access to a larger global audience.

With this in mind we went through MSN news and found the article “40 Hilarious things everybody does” None of them were hilarious so we took 12 of them and made “12 Hilarious things everybody does”

We cannot guarantee that any of these are hilarious either

1. Got Incredible Dry Mouth Over Forgetting Somebody’s Name: You’re a busy person and can’t be expected to remember everybody’s name but maybe you should have remembered your girlfriends dads name, especially because it’s his funeral and you’re talking to his widow. You take a swig of water, but it’s not enough so you throw some more down your throat but it’s too much and some splashes down your windpipe. You begin to semi choke and you start to panic convulse. Water sprays from your nose as your eyes begin to stream and you fall to the ground begging for air that the deceased no longer has access to. When you eventually regain your composure the widow has walked away after realising you wrote “one hell of a guy” instead of the deceased name in a condolence card

2. Wielded A Bare Wrapping Tubing As A light sabre: Who hasn’t done this? Making the famous “Woom” sound as it swishes through the air....and cuts the cat in half. Wait! What?

3. Felt Personally Victimised By An Inanimate Object: The notion that the reason your Play Station won’t pick up Netflix because the console hates you is absurd. But then again what if it and all the DVD players in the house are having a right good old laugh at your expense every time you give up and watch porn on the laptop instead. You know what? Fuck those machines! Next time one of the bastards refuses to work, hurl it out of the fucking window! That’ll show the others you mean business! Rule by fear

4. Wrote A 10K Word Email To A Family Member And Never Hit Send: If you find yourself repeatedly making this mistake try the following: Write the email out, get completely drunk, re-read the email, add even more insulting stuff, your drunken self will find this hilarious, hit send. Now at least you don’t have to worry about attending all those nieces and nephews children’s birthday parties.

5. Secretly Diagnosed Everyone In The Waiting Room At Your Dr’s: We’ve all been there before! Trying to work out who’s got the most untreatable strain of Gonorrhoea at the Gonorrhoea clinic.

6. Pretend You’re In A Movie While Listening To Music On Your Headphones In The Street: If you do this round Hull City Centre you’ll be mainly thinking of “The Walking Dead”.

7. Used The Bathroom And Checked Out A Friends Medicine Cabinet: How else are you supposed to get hold of strong sedatives? Also checking if your friends are on any heart medication especially if you enjoy leaping out of cupboards to surprise them.

8. Over Thought Eye Contact: Have you ever considered that your wide eyed, mad glare at the bloke sat opposite you is the reason why you haven’t got the job? Jesus you haven’t blinked in 20 minutes. Being aware of how long to maintain eye contact is crucial, no more than five seconds but no less than two is perfect. Try nodding along to the seconds so you don’t lose track of time, obviously try not to nod too heavily. We don’t want to make it look like you’re unable to control your neck

9. Lied To Your Dr: Real easy way to work out if you need to do this or not. If your Dr asks you if you think you may have cancer....don’t lie to him. If your Dr discovers you half naked on his bathroom floor knawing at a bag of fish shop batter...then lie to him

10. Terrible Fake Laughter: Inappropriate to do at drug interventions

11. Stumbled And Turned It Into A Funny Dance: Incidentally how Fred Astaire got started

12. Mumbled A Name During A Rendition Of Happy Birthday: You’re drunk. It’s cool. Shirley should be getting “Happy Birthday” sung to her at 43 anyway

We’ll be back next time with another original take on a stolen topic.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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