I am really very uncomfortable with the idea that some hack at the Huffington Post or the local newspaper, or worse, some well-meaning friend, or an angry relative whom I left out of my will, will have the chore, or as the case may be, the joy of writing my obituary. As the saying goes, "if you want something done well, do it yourself."
And after all, once your obit is done, it can't be undone, it will define your life for all eternity. It's not as if you can rise from the grave, or more likely, from the ashes in the urn, and correct it.
So, let's roll up our sleeves and begin!
Our hero was born in the tiny village of Manhattan, New York. By the age of two, he had mastered Greek and Latin; by the age of five, he had predicted the orbit of a yet undiscovered planet circling Alpha Centauri.
Hmmm. Does "Our hero" sounds too ostentatious? Ahhhhh, f**k it, I like it. But they better spell my name correctly.
In his teens, he had written two symphonies and a five hour opera, in German.
Of course, this does not do justice to my teen years, which included many other accomplishments. Would it be too vain to list them all? What is the usual page length of an obituary?
At the age of twenty, he wrote 'A Modern Thucydides,' hailed as The Great American Novel of the twenty-first century. Over one thousand pages in length, written in two weeks' time. His middle years were spent amassing the fortune that would serve as the base of his future philanthropy, by inventing a better mousetrap, a non-stick permanent deodorant, and a way of converting water into wine.
That is only a partial list of my inventions, of course, but the really impressive ones were for a secretive government agency which threatened to kill me and every member of my extended family if I were ever to reveal them. I will have take my knowledge of them to the grave!
In his fifties he donated eighty percent of his estate - estimated at $200 billion - to the charitable trust he had created: The Make America Great Again Trust.
So far, so good.
Having succeeded massively in private life, in his seventies he entered politics
Here's where it gets really good!
He trounced his rivals in the primaries despite their conspiracy with the establishment media to defeat his candidacy. But he overcame the combined efforts to defeat him of the establishment in Washington, the left-wing media and the FBI. People turned out in the millions to cheer at his inauguration. He went on to score success after success in his first year as President, and by the end of his first term he had brokered a peace deal between Israel and the Palestinians, found a cure for cancer, and got everyone to agree that everything he said was right!
Is it okay to use an exclamation point in an obituary? Oh, hell, it is if I say it is.
[dictated but not read]