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Salutations from your 18th century toff pal, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

I have been living in the 21st Century for fifteen years now. I fell asleep in a glacier over two centuries ago and miraculously re-awoke to a world I barely recognise. I now live with my wife, seven children and a robot butler called Siri, but I still struggle with simple tasks like changing a nappy. This is my story.

I wish I could go back to my own time, but I can't so I have to do my best to fit in with this new modern life. I am a gay person, but I often feel sad. To cheer myself up I often watch the telly box. My favourite show is probably Game of Thrones, it has good moral values. I particularly like the incestuous couple and how they raise their inbred children instead of aborting them as many would do.

I am a member of the Catholic Church. I always try to tell my wife that she dresses like a whore, and that she should wear a nun's habit whenever she leaves the house. That's not the same thing as what Muslims do, it's a completely different garment.

Apparently I am quite popular on the Face Book, which a book like the Bible but which is only accessible through computers and where the apostles can talk back to you. Many people on there say they like me ironically, which I can only imagine is a sign of how poor their education must be. I believe they mean to say that they like my iron will, or perhaps they wish to compare me to the Iron Lady. It is, of course, an insult, to compare a man to a woman, but then again I feel that Thatcher was an honorary male.

Well, tally-ho, chums! As part of my on-going rehabilitation programme after being frozen for so long, I am required to injest three pints of scout's blood every night. Time to prepare the jamboree for a leeching!

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