I am a lesbian and my wife doesn't love me any more. I have tried everything to get back in her good books. I have even started doing DIY, and had my hair cropped, but she isn't impressed. She has got a new butch personal trainer and is spending a lot of time with her. What can I do?
Robert Pattinson writes: How, lass, dinnae git hot under the horse collar, man. Lassoo d'ye think ye are? Why saddle thissel wi' DIY-aye? Reign it in, like. Haircuts isnae the mane thing in life. Dinna curry favour. The bridle suite wiz a lang time ago. Let her tek a runnin' jump ower Beechers Brook, man. Git theesel a young filly an gan off ter stud, hinny.
Soap modelling is my hobby. My girlfriend is into cage-fighting and pit-bull terriers. I tried to impress her by making a soap model of the Ancient Etruscan city of Tarquinia in the back yard but it rained and now the yard is full of lather. My girlfriend called me a "gormless twat". What can I do to make up for this?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh neigh, hinny. Divvent rear up. Thoo'll nobbut stirrup trouble. Git t'bit between thee teeth an' tell her to trot off. Canter not break her in? Hoof far whinny let her curb thee? Howay lad, thoo'll git thee oats yet. Quit stallin' and act stable like. Horse box clever, man. Saddle be a good way to gan.
I am worried that I may be a serial killer. Last Thursday I strangled a young lady from our office that I had invited back to my house for a cup of tea. Yesterday I asked my neighbour if he could come in and have a look at my washing machine and I beat his head in with a monkey wrench. I chopped up these bodies, bagged their remains in several black bin bags and they are piled up in the bath seeping blood everywhere. They really stink. This morning it has happened again. I am writing this at the kitchen table while looking at the decapitated body of one of our local Jehovah's Witnesses lying on the floor at my feet. Do you think I need help?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh neigh, reign theesel in, hinny. Canter not curb theesel. If thoo cannae put a halter it, thoo whinny stay oot o' jail varra lang bonny lad. Thoo's just ganna stirrup trouble if thoo gans alang wi' this, I'll gi' ye three-to-one on. Hoof far dae ye think thoo can gan afore thoo gits catched? Neigh hinny put theesel oot ter grass bonny lad howay.